BAHH.

2007-08-04T01:09:00.000+08:00

I watch Desperate Housewives. I guess i always feel more for Bree.

What the heck is wrong with her? She's a perfectionist and she always do her best. But for some weird reason, things still go wrong. Things always go wrong for her. Most of the time, it's not her fault. I always watch the show going: "She damn suay man".

And that's how i feel now. Everything seems wrong, and it's all moving too fast. I can't remedy those situation in time and then there's another problem. I really did my best le, but now it feels like even the smallest disappointment can kill me. Suffocated and dizzy..It's really moving too fast. I need to complete the race, im just not sure if i can make it. At this rate im going, ...

I know im a pusher, and i must have made a lot of people unhappy. I always feel stressed to get things done and i know if i dont push, no one will make the thing happen. This shows that yiyang is not flexible enough to deal with last minute changes, and my bad memory doesnt help. *deep breathes* Okay, i must learn to let go, to not give a damn.

Sorry if my post affects your mood in any way :/ Just a lil tired. Things will get better..i can only hope.

2007-07-29T03:02:00.000+08:00

"we cant prevent what we cant predict."
but i could and i could prevent it.
so i will..try very hard to.

2007-07-28T16:09:00.001+08:00

stop telling me things i dont know.
stop lying.

2007-07-26T16:02:00.000+08:00

In the dark times, will there also be singing?

Yes, there will be singing.

About the dark times.

--Bertolt Brecht

maybe nothing is absolutely wrong.

maybe everything will be over soon.

~~maybe~~ i can forget you.

replies to tag:

eng: yeah i like hebe alot!

huikuoon: please lor..my hair that one looks more glam than yours..

zh: haha u mean im cute? *blush*

jingwen: lol.go queue 18hrs like i did..haha..

kokwey: OMG UR ALIVE! hahahahahaha.so is 24th july the syf day?

mel: heys! long time no see! though our schools are damn near..haha..

2007-07-26T00:35:00.000+08:00

像那没次序的旋律一样，蔓无目地地前进着。。

2007-07-25T17:09:00.001+08:00

Yesteday's 24th July right? (duh) Was it that fateful day 4 years ago that we got COP at SYF? It felt like a special day. Something happened, but i can't remember. hmms..we were band number 72 right? We played Caccia & Chorale. I was so nervous and i kept adjusting my specs. Farah scolded me for that, hah. I mispitched and played tons of wrong notes, yeah i did. But other than that, something else; something wrong. The judges didnt like it, maybe they hated it? Before we knew it, it was all over, the results were announced and we were the first band and the judges got to hate it becasue they gave us a COP. Our hearts sank, along with all the hardwork and hopes that we held for the past half a year of hardwork. I swear the time froze for that milli-second and my brain just refused to accept the fact that it's over. haha indeed, how could i forget that day. We were aiming for Gold by the way.

4 years passed, where is everybody now? Have all of them forgot about that day? Did it hold as much of a significance for them as it still does for me? Because i could still remember every single detail liked it happened just yesterday. Every single raw emotion i felt, every outburst, every expression that people gave (empathy, despise, sadness, you know the usual few), every single darn action and happenings and all the tears i shed, I will always remember.

2007-07-24T00:38:00.000+08:00

Photos update!

i love canteen 3's prata! but you'll be bloody bloated after eating it.hahaha.
my wish came true! ^^ though we didnt play this movement but i feel grateful to be able to even sight-read it.hahah.

lol.i look like smeagol myself..
charge ahead!
im third party :P

WAHAHA I FORCED THEM TO TAKE THIS PHOTO! looks damn ghey huh..i jux cant stop laughing at their wei3 qu1 expression..
OMG!! super super super funny..to even have the courage to strike this pose is ..is beyond words..
random~

we were imitating the figurines.haha.taken at capital square or otherwise known as "Copthorne City". get it? i may have spelt copthorne wrongly..we queued up for 18-20hours for the S.H.E concert thingy! my god i didnt know i was capable of such feat man..played endless dai di, tarrot card reading, the story game(which became a freakin lousy porno story), the "cannot XXX" game, talked cock, did projects, and almost anything you can think of lah. OH YAH this weird conversation came up while playing dai di:

me: 不要一直偷看我的牌嘞。

pretty boy: 我又没有偷看，是你每次拿到这样（低）。

me: 你知道偷看牌跟男人偷看女人内衣一样严重吗？！？

pretty: 哪里一样？牌可以“洗”，内衣都不可以洗。。。

understand? haha wth she talk cock..i was still thinking where did that oily smell came from while queuing..so now we all know it's pretty never wash her bra.lol. Then throughout the queue, she kept insisting that she is right, esp the "acah kadebra" thingy. So gabriel, kenneth and i concluded that pretty boy watches fake "Bisney"'s "Baladin" instead of Disney's Alladin when she was young. HAHAHAHAHA. okays i think maybe only the 4 of us understood the crap that we spouted.

THIS IS MY REWARD! hahaha im so never gonna queue overnight again. But for now, i am this close to seeing my dear HEBE on 28th July ^^ and i must say that im proud to be the top 30 something among the hundreds and thousands who queued for this thing. Thank you Kenneth, Gabriel and Kosin (okay maybe not her) who made this queuing thing pretty entertaining! heh heh heh.

replies to tags:

gene: haha i'll go take photos next time to aid u in ur imagination.

hanyong: Toki wo Kakeru Shoujo! go crunchyroll watch cos' it's damn nice ^^

janet: haha but im lazy :P

shirin: anyhow or anyway also can lah! haha.walau eh im so sad you dont recognize me :'(

pilly: haha you go plan outing lah..i lazy...but my holidays coming! heh heh heh..

rach: aiyah you can hear cos' you were sitting right beside me!!!! hahahahaha..yupps will jiayou (:

zh: haha so random.be nice and go write me a testimonial .____.

did you forget how happy we were when we were talking about music?

2007-07-20T22:37:00.000+08:00

Yesterday marked the end of my I&E. It was indeed a bitter sweet journey since it started 3 months back. For some weird reason, i was feeling nostalgic, probably because this IS group is the one i had the most interaction with. Maybe from today onwards, we're gonna go our different ways and not talk anymore. Maybe some time later, we're gonna greet each other with awkward smiles and darting eye contact. Maybe at some point in time, we will stroll pass each others like strangers. And in the future, we may forget about each other. Kinda sad i guess.

Not that im not glad that this stupid module is over, but i miss the times we had around one another. This project got hard, so hard that we can only depend on one another for support. I guess we had really bonded. hmms...is this goodbye?

Anyhow, band pract was really fun yesterday because i finally got to play baritone saxophone for a proper practice! I've been wanting to play bari ever since i heard the bass line in Caccia & Chorale and my dream finally came true ^^ haha too bad my tone sucks! But after playing bari, i feel like machiam 大伤元气.LOL. I felt so strong when playing bari cos i have the lower brasses to support me! HEH HEH HEH! I can feel my fate calling me~~ Maybe i shud train bari? sighs anyways not enough alto ligature........but i was sure there was suppose to have enough de leh ?___? owells...

I cant go play bari tml cos i have bloody LAM project to do ): Sadded..

replies to tag:
Kat: HAHA! what anyhow bomb lor..i got think very carefully and picked the 6 strategically de kk..
huikuoon: stupid noisy! read my blog also dont tag :/
janet: haha am i supposed to link you also?
zh: wahaha i also neva help u lehh cos u figured out urself..
xy: HEY! YOU'RE STILL ALIVE!
jingwen: okie (:

2007-07-19T03:00:00.001+08:00

in the summer, when you said: "I'll never forget you".

2007-07-16T22:19:00.000+08:00

我那躲也躲不掉的微妙伤口, 隐隐作痛.

replies to tag:

kokwey: it was meant to be an instruction. haha.

jingwen: lol.thanks.

zh: yeaps.you too (:

koko: never jiu hao..

tingyu: yah i wanna go.haha.

2007-07-16T00:09:00.000+08:00

I got tagged by Peiwen and Kenneth.

Please read the rules first: each player of the game starts off by giving 6 weird things about themselves. People who get tagged needs to write in a blog of their own 6 weird things as well as state the rules clearly. In the end, u'll need to choose 6 people to be tagged and list their names.

1.) My handwriting looks like a girl's one.
2.) I think i have Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder.
3.) I eat my rice in soups. I mean literally.
4.) I eat chicken skins, pigs' oil, and pretty much all the unhealthy and disgusting parts from animals.
5.) I cant sing low notes, really cannot. Dont test me.
6.) I have spilt personality. One is talkative and lame, the other is quiet and angsty.

next 6 very weird persons i'm tagging:
1) zhihui
2) kokwey
3) huikuoon
4) KAT
5) Lingli
6) hui fen

Im very hungry now.

2007-07-14T22:42:00.000+08:00

Friday

Got back my LAM common test, THANK GOD I DIDNT FAIL. :D There's so many things to do for the remaining 3 projects gosh! Was kinda stressed out when we did the time line for tasks completion. After that went clubhouse to wait for ah beng, so i started practising and i sounded so bad lor WA LAU EH. *sighs* the adverse impact of not touching instrument for 2 weeks :S

Then, we took bus to VCH and had alot of problems finding the bloody flower shop. Haha hope hanyong dont mind the "bu4 si3 de4 hua1". OH and i lead the wrong way to VCH for a while and we ended up quite late. Anyways, when we entered the hall, we are left with only the front rows, SUPER SIAN! Then can only hear the saxophone, tuba and bassoon. Overall the main band played very well? Aiyah i dont reali know music to comment anything, but just the horns and flutes abit out for the first 2 pieces? Hmms..OH and my hair stood thrice when they played American Elergy :D I friggin love that song lehh! heh heh. Everything was nice but the saxophone concerto or what was kinda boring. I dont reali like concerto all these.. But the soloist looks like a nice person. HAHA random.

Then, it's the prize presentation which is quite long. And pretty boy kept commenting Xin Min girls very pretty..tsk tsk tsk. But it's kinda true. And of cos, there's this small boy who needed to come out THRICE to play his solo for the song, but no one seems to care for him lor, so poorthing. Then people walk pass still shove him aside lidat. HAHAHA! But his tone was quite good you know. Thereafter, the break was totally talk cock session. Pretty boy kept attacking me and i felt so Prisoner-Of-War. Lol.

The percussion ensemble after interval was fantastic. Though i dont understand what they playing. hahaha but it's really an eyeopener to listen and appreciate this type of music. and again, pretty boy was "bio-ing" the vibraphone girl -.- Then it's X-WINDS! Been waiting for it whole night cos' they're playing Jericho! They sounded very good lor............. *sighs* The horns pitched the bloody high note in Jericho, shiok! And we, the supporters of HanYong, shouted his name. lol. But it seemed like he had no lack of supporters that day hor :P I wasnt paying attention during Ivanhoe. haha.

After that, we saw Jeremy aka Teddymon, Ruth and Shiying and the bunch of us TRIED to navigate our way to Lau Pat Sat but we ended up on Chinatown! Aiyo.....okay i sorta lead the way so it's my fault again.HAHA MY COMPASS SPOILT YEST! But we managed to find out way there after asking an angmoh. super dots. Ate, talk cock, and cabbed home! And i must say jeremy is very knowlegeable about music. I felt like an idiot talking to him...sobss....ehh but again, im already an idiot to begin with :'(

Today

Went for the ten tons thingy and for some weird reason, pretty boy and me became GLs. Sian half already, and it's very irritaing when my phone kept ringing non stop the whole morning, even though i was the one to ask them to call me. HMPH! Randomly, i would just like to say Woodlands people very rich. After that, bought our nasi lemak and took bus to woodlands interchange to change to 961 to go Ngee Ann. And i refused to eat on the bus! :/ And my phone just wont stop ringing, smses kept coming in. PEKCHEK. Sorry if i sounded rude or snapped at you yah ):

DONT READ BELOW.
the same feeling came back. feeling not good enough. i always feel that the post of sl requires me to be someone with great leadership, organization skills and superb playing, but i just cant meet up with my own standards or others. when im tired and pekchek, i give black face, i complain, it's just lidat. I dont like it, but i cant stop it either. Midway through, the same cycle began in my mind. I really wanna make it, complete this gruelling race. I REALLY DO. But it's not always about challenging yourself and moving out of your omfort zone. Sometimes, it's about knowing your limits and contributing the best you know how. You know what, maybe i dont love music that much. I dont love saxophone that much. Maybe i could just walk away. Maybe all these doesnt matter so much. I stopped beliveing in my existence and contributions to the community around me like aeons ago and somehow i couldnt find it back. The only driving force now is knowing that there are people who cared. People who are doing their best, so i cant let them down. But really, if fuels and natural gas are gonna run out one day, what makes you think my driving force wont? HAHS. kokwey would know how i feel.

however, emo-ness kinda ended after dinner (: and i bought a PSP! Hopefully it's ROI is high. haha.

Replies to tags:
xing: haha i go ask gabby faster!
hui yan: omg why u laming on my tagboard?? hahah yay tagging means u read our blogs frequently (: U can bargain with the tuition teacher for lower price ma, u very good at that right?? hahaha.
zh: omg kukuhead! i bought lah..im just asking for people to queue with me :P

- 为什么舍不得熄灭？

2007-07-11T22:20:00.000+08:00

Today's cma paper was a total killer. HAHA. You should have seen everyone's response when they read the questions! A typical response would be READ-STONE-READ AGAIN-STONE-LOOKS AT CLOCK-MUTTERS: "DIE". The questions are really like not found in tutorials nor the textbook, so i guess no one could have been more prepared :/

Anyways was searching for UENO JURI's ^^ videos on youtube and came across a few that really tried to project her as 'difficult" person. Like she was attending some press conference on her new movie last year and she was really just kidding around, joking about refusing to let the photographer take photos of her, but the stupid variety program had to project her as this diva-ish person. Then, one even tried to play a prank by asking about her rumoured scandal, which i guess in the japan culture is considered VERY rude and mean. Seriously wtf. NOTHING BETTER TO DO.

AND I WANT TO LEARN JAP! :D

I heard can exchange 1 ticket of the S.H.E's free concert in Singapore on 22nd July at Junction 8 as long as the person show their PLAY cd. Like omg! Who's interested and has a copy of their cd tell me k? :D HEBE HERE I COME~

replies to tag:

kat: okay got your name le! haha.thanks for the encouragement :D

zh: opps i haven tag ur blog :P aiyo if u read my blog will emo, den you beta dont read ah..

chee hao: (:

jingwen: omg pls be more humble.hahaha.

qiuyi: haha u neva give me link!

koko: hhahaha guilty le ba?

xing: yupps! anyways can u pls tell me ur new blog add? ahaha.

pilly: OMG.你死去哪里了！好久不见了哦。
joannie: yeah been feeling moody these few days i guess..haha..

忍！

2007-07-09T22:07:00.000+08:00

I LOVE THE SHOW: NODAME CANTABILE! :D
I LOVE THIS LAST SCENE FROM THE SHOW! :D

BUT............................I LOVE UENO JURI THE MOST! :D:D:D

2007-07-08T21:38:00.001+08:00

A day filled with incompetence. May be i look really blur all the time, it may lead people to think that im actually okay with insults and stuff. Well, im not. One moment i was grabbing too much rope and i was told to give more, the next moment i was giving too much rope and everyone was giving me the "oh hey you're trying to kill her on purpose right?" look. I so should have given the "yah you're damn right because i am so the serial-killer type" look. Sick, so sick of that look. Of always being told im not good enough. I dont need no friggin praises, but at least appreciate that i did my best what. Maybe i was too sensitive, maybe i was just too tired, but i know when you're sending me negative signals. I KNOW. I may LOOK like a retard, but seriously, who is? The nicest smiling angels around you are also normally the ones who surprise you with their little, evil doings, dont you know?

2007-07-07T15:05:00.000+08:00

~~they always disappear, dont they?~~

2007-07-06T00:24:00.000+08:00

I have forgotten my existence, maybe you should too.

2007-07-04T23:06:00.000+08:00

replies to tag:
joannie: no lah i not working there le! but my fren who still working there told me mah :P
jingwen: omg ur so pro can design kenneth's skin! hahaha.and how come u bhb on my blog on ur blog's smilies??? lol..
KAT: *shy* yah lah yah lah.hahahah.
xuxu: lol we BA one sure very easy bump de :P no problem!
zh: omg u sound so cheena.hahah.yeah i'll try to stay happy? :P
Hui Yan + addy: hahaha i fail literature during lower sec one leh.
hAnyOng: haha you "bear" not frog, so cannot ribbit!
Eng: haha of cos it's me! anyways stay in touch yeah (:
unique: walau dont act mysterious lehh.hahah.am i a unique frog?
jiahui: linked!

2007-07-04T22:57:00.000+08:00

我会学着放弃你，是因为我太爱你。

2007-07-03T23:49:00.000+08:00

im damn lagged, but finally Pops 'n' Classic is over (: it's been a very trying period, to my health, studies, attitude and determination i must say; breakdowns, endless meetings, tasks and responsibilities. However, seeing my classmates, sec sch friends, juniors and seniors coming to support us, i guess it was all worth it. What's more touching, is seeing this "booklet" made by my section with lots of notes saying "thank you" and other heartfelt stuff. It was then i started feeling guilty i guess. Guilty for not making full bands more fun, sectionals more productive and i wished i could teach them more, but really, my playing is only as good as bleh. I should have worked harder to get instructor, instructor like JEFFERSON, who really knows saxophone to teach them eh? Oh wells..can at least get for their Rondeau ba.

And of cos', it was a big relieve to know that we are over-selling but music isnt really about ticket sales, izzit? It's about learning and enjoying, and as much as we cant get away from realistic targets to meet in order to up our budget and hold concerts, let's try to make making music as pure as possible yah.

The concert felt like an ending episode to this long serial drama. Yah it's a happy ending, but ever wondered what happens after the final episode? For me, it's back to reality. All these times put aside for band, i have to pay double catching up the projects. My i&e especially -.-lll And i almost fainted during project meeting today cos' it's so friggin hot and i just couldnt focus on anything at all. Such frustration and helplessness, sighs. Actually, i discovered my sloppiness towards work and im sure my friends did too. Not attending lectures, not doing tutorials and stoning during project meetings, sometimes i question what am i doing to my life. Hopefully i get my motivation to work hard soon.

I think my post is super nonsensical but to end it, i would just like to say:

I look like a frog (: A nerdy frog .____.

2007-06-30T00:16:00.000+08:00

You know how sometimes you try to make an instant drink, take for instance milo. You've been warned not to add too much condensed milk because it's not good for health, but you do it anyway. Add powder, hot water, condensed milk, stir and the drink is done. You take a sip, "uh-uh", tasted sickeningly sweet. So you try to add more water to dilute it, but it still tasted too sweet. You tried to add more water, to the brim actually, but it's still too sweet. An idea came to your head, you tried to pour away part of the milo and added water again, by this time you thought the milo would have tasted okay, yet somehow you didnt feel like drinking anymore. The next time you use the cup, you still tasted the faint milo taste, it just refuse to go away.

I guess it goes the same with pain. You thought that by making yourself as busy as possible, you could forget about the pain. But you leave yourself all tired at the end of the day but the pain is still there. You thought every possible way to kill it, forget about it, let time washes it away, let friends and family relieve you of that pain, and yet it's like an inside demon that had you tightly in its clutch. The taste is still there, the pain is still there...why is it still there? I'm solution-less, unable to escape, unable to rewind.

HAH NVM.

2007-06-28T02:47:00.000+08:00

****************

pls dont take it all away from me.

2007-06-26T23:49:00.000+08:00

feeling extremely tired and moody now.
concert's this saturday but it seems like there could be no rest after that cos' there's still 5 projects waiting for me ):
was in hom lecture today when mr oh talked to the year3s about their attachment thingy and yes, it's a bloody 6 months attachment..
and believe it or not, i was totally freaked out. Freaked out at how fast time is slipping by and people are changing. Then, i realised how fortunate one is to study because i believe working sucks much more. To even think about going to army and working after i graduate from ngee ann is abominable, no it's disgusting. I DONT WANT!
Maybe a part of me knows that once working life starts, i will drift away from all my friends, like my parents and brother. I will probably meet new friends, but no one like yoga family and 10 brothers. I can so imagine walking on the street one fine day and chancing upon one of my ex-close friends, to only wish i hadnt seen him or her because i dislike awkwardness ):

And i discovered something very shocking just today: THAT I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THE HELL I AM DOING IN MY COURSE. I rather hate dealing with people and i cant even express or carry myself properly. Gosh, im like losing interests in what im studying! To be honest, i would much rather study at some music school. HAHA i know dream on... am i thinking too much? *BIG BIG SIGHS*

replies to tag:
zh: yesssh my pants spilt and it's on the video for everyone to see.HEHS. and the Nodame Cantabile is super nice! (:(:(:
hAnyOng: hahaha i didnt know can busy mia-ing one siax. walau u say until machiam i 招你的魂come back lidat..
joannie: OMG! that indian manager was sacked long time ago!!! so it means the other indian manager u saw was not the indian manager whom i disliked! HAHAHAH.lucky u neva go in step on his foot. and ur hotel staff ah, keep snatching job from me. TSKTSKTSK..

2007-06-23T00:31:00.000+08:00

I MUST COMPLAIN.
yesterday's usher work at Pan Pac hotel was a totally freakin waste of my time.
Despite returning from camp the night before totally shagged, i warned myself not to be late this time round. Therefore, i left house at 9.45am although the meeting time is 11.30am. Firstly, the venue is pan pac hotel not conrad hotel as i was told previously. Secondly, the in-charge damn last minute informed us to collect our shirts on the night before the band camp so i couldnt wear the proper dress code as i couldnt go down to mda to collect. Thirdly, we were totally not needed there. For some weird reason the IC at the event was not informed we were going there and the pan pac hotel staff kept snatching job from us! Like for what, it's jux ushering job scared we snatch their "rice-bowl" meh??? Walau, so we jux stood there like zombies for 1hour doing nothing.
There's nothing i could write for the cem journal, nothing i've learnt except strengthening my leg muscles :[

OKAY at least the night went better because i watched NODAME CANTABILE!
gosh it is so damn good! LOVE IT PLS! hahaha thanks to kokwey who introduced the show on his blog.
a bonus that the lead actress is the tenor sax girl in swing girls (:
The show reali motivated me to practise and love music more.
To join band and not enjoy music is reali a sin. It's even stupider if u join to create politics and conflicts.
对我来说，没有心机的音乐才是最好听的音乐。
i must reali try not to let all the section sai-gang and politics stop me from enjoying music.
Also, i learnt that no doubt playing techniques and stuff are important, but at the end of the day it is also important to not let yourself be bounded by all these restrictions that you cant enjoy music. WRONG.
I know it is always easier said than done, however i will try. Try not to be so pessimistic, try not to be so inconfident in my own music directions and try not to be so egoistic. I wanna learn music and teach others whatever i know. Improve together. If i enjoy it, it will not feel labourous again.

OK enough crap. To end the entry, i just wanna say i enjoyed today at Sentosa (: (: (: Even though we did nothing much, just lazing around on the beach and talking cock, it's still fun because i was with the right company. haha. Hope everything goes well tml!

2007-06-20T22:40:00.000+08:00

im back from band camp! and i think im kinda missing it?
haha im glad things ended smoothly today.
games went well also! (:
but my shorts freakin spilt in the middle when i attempted to do a cheerleading stunt on day 1.
hahahahah and shirin cant stop laughing huh..

replies to tag:
kenneth: are you trying to speak like a zombie? haha.
main: ... not funny..
peiwen: i neber emo! i neber emo! x100
xInG: i never violent and spoil my phone ok..u are the violent one! :P
Awsome: hahaha u say so long le still no video lehh..
koko: miss helmet not funny lehh..you and main can go relac one corner le.
KAT: hey you never treat me to eat tidbits lorr! hahaha..
shirin: im not jealous lor..just VERY jealous.hahhaa :P
addy: wahh you confirm mah? so BHB lor..hahahah..jkjk..no lah i trust ur artistic instinct..hehe.
Hui Yan: aiyo what happened? eat too much den wanna burst le huh? we are back from camp! and officially declared: "Z-O-M-B-I-E-S" hahaha..

ok the reply are kinda random..cos some tags reali too long ago liaos..paiseh..
anyways HANYONG if you're reading plssssss tag! hahah you like MIA for so long liaos..
let us know you are alive eh? haha.

2007-06-17T01:44:00.000+08:00

the worst kind of pain.
yeah i get it now.
when can i let go?

2007-06-16T00:31:00.000+08:00

Is it worse to over-estimate your abilities or under-estimate your tasks?
hmms..

i realised we actually call our friends by "band friends" or "classmates".
we actually CLASSIFY them.
why not just "friends"?
i dont want to be anyone's "band friends" or what, i want to be their friend.
because the "band friend" sorta implied that we only associate in band and without band we'll be nothing more den strangers?
haha but that isnt untrue afterall.

Just this past week, i've seen alot of "fake-ness".
Of cos none i can mention here, but is the working world like that?
*yeah i can see you nodding now*
to see the fakeness, and not to mention a single thing.
haha im fake too! nothing more than plastic.
gosh.

sometimes,
complaining about something doesnt mean i wont get the job done.
the only reason i would probably complain is because i cared in the first place.
i might even do the job to my best effort.
incidentally, if dont utter a single word about a matter, it doesnt mean i will get the job done.
because most probably i dont give a shit about that matter that i dont even bother to let that matter enter my brain for it to worry me and me compaining about it.
yeah so sometimes things are like that.haha.

im having sorethroat, i wonder how the hell i'm gonna play tml :/
kat if you're reading: " GET WELL SOON!"

爱一个人不就是要她开心吗？

2007-06-14T00:25:00.000+08:00

I'm very upset now.
Having no handphone can really cause a lot of trouble.
This blog exist for a reason, please dont take away its existence.
If you're not happy reading it, i plead you please dont.
But please dont cut off my only way to vent my frustrations, thank you.

I guess everything is okay with me.
Too tired to retailiate, too weak to make changes and too different that i dont recognize myself anymore.
So i guess anything is okay with me, as long as i dont hurt others, and others dont hurt me.

I was thinking, and i realised there's always 2 sides to a story, a person, an incident.
Nothing you do will forever be right, nor will you forever be the correct one.
Take for example, a person tries to help an old lady to carry her bags because he sees her having difficulty with it. A seemingly simple and kind act could easily be interpreted as the young man having motive of ACTING kind or even be a robber in disguise.
A man murdered someone. To the judicial court, he is a criminal and should be hung. To the man's mother, he had always been a filial son and should be given second chance. Both sides are correct yet both sides cannot be right at the same time.
So maybe there's no point in caring too much whether one's action is correct or not. Because there will always be supporter and oppositions.
We will never be perfect, we are not god, neither is there anyone more fit to judge our own actions than we ourselves.

it sounds like someone else's summer..

2007-06-12T23:31:00.000+08:00

Faith [Feyth]:
-- belief that is not based on proof

I need lots of it now.

2007-06-12T01:57:00.000+08:00

the last blogskin quite hard to navigate so hopefully this one is better yah.
haha.
i forgot to mention the kbox session on sunday night till midnight is damn shiok!
the rest so busy catching scandal that i seemed to be the only one to be able to sing without worries of being caught! :D
did lots of silly things and had lots of laughs! wahah maybe the next kbox session will come along very soon.
but the downside is the next day all of us will look like walking zombies! :X
ok i lazy to update, check kosin/kenneth/shirin/weiren/shirmain/gabriel's blogs for updates and pictures ba. (that is if they got update)
haha.

2007-06-11T14:09:00.000+08:00

omg sian.
wished i didnt sign up for the broadcast asia thingy :( :( :(
and my phone is spoilt :( :( :( X 2.
my mum actually said:"五百块的电话这么快就坏的啊？"
hahaha wth.

2007-06-08T02:02:00.000+08:00

i felt like scolding you for our differences.
for becoming a different person.
or maybe the real you.
but i couldnt do it.
too many things i couldnt do already..
i was disappointed because i cared.
i was upset because i cared.
and maybe i wanted to scold because i cared.
and i cared again and again, causing myself so much misery.
but too much disappointments and pain.
i should stop caring.
i want to stop caring.
i want to run away again.

2007-06-06T11:39:00.000+08:00

"If i found you, I would hold you forever and never let go."

2007-06-04T00:14:00.000+08:00

I did the quiz on kenneth's blog.

Maid Marion, Robin Hood, Little John, The Sheriff
If you are not happy - and we suspect you are not - it maybe because you feel guilty about your own emotions, and lack confidence in your opinions.

Men: No doubt you consider yourself a moral man, and a fair one. Your fuzzy ideas about morality may make their mark on your sex life.
Women: You are too concerned about what others think.

This combination represents 4% of total, 4% of men and 4% of women.

hmms i wonder how true izzit? haha.

replies to tags:
xy: wahaha im observant enough..where got sound wrong lor..you dirty-minded lah :P
zh: the hao jian is damn damn damn nice! but u stomach not feeling well now so beta dont eat anything so "risky".
hAnyOng: :S so kelian..nvm next time 10brothers go eat at lau pat sat and forget all of those shit for 1 day! hahaha..
KAT: HARLO! hahahahaha.yeah u sound damn crappy :P
DEBBIE: hahaha u last time tag is so long ago liaos :D of cos cant see le lah.
addy: OMG I AM SO TOUCHED! hahaha ok that sounded bimbotic and fake, but reali thank you! :D :D :D thanks for the encouragment yah.hope u doing ok in school also! movies soon?

2007-06-01T21:45:00.000+08:00

today's HOM tutorial cannot be more boring.
i was sitting infront of the teacher and i was sleeping somemore! wahahaha =/
anyways after lessons, most of the classmates went on a "racky" trip for our CEM class project.
ahaha i was pretty excited about it and was assigned to pair up with Selwyn.
and just before we set off guess what?
the sky looks freakin dark and it started drizzling -.=ll
okay damn suay, but everyone just carried on with tasks :D
pictures of the adventure of Yiyang and Selwyn! (okay hopefully other TRM's class people not reading this cos i dont think im supposed to reveal our routes! waahaha.)

War Memorial built to commemorate those who sacrificed for the 2nd World War. *salute* resembles 2 toothpicks hor? hahaha.sel, maomao, kuai long and i braved the heavy rain to reach here siax =/ thank god the rain started to subside right after we reached.
erm, not very sure what is this for but it does contain some heritage values. Looks prettt nice :D

LOL.they look damn silly.

My favourite pic of the day! wahaha.

i caught kuai long trying to destroy public items! wahaha jkjk.this pagoda-like thing is built to commemorate Lim Bo Seng (whom selwyn said is one of his acs friends' great grandfather? yikes,talk about coincidence.)

took this at VCH..hmms was kinda sad walking pass this place eh..memories of concerts and my very first syf flooded back..owells..maomao was posing in this photo as well.haha..

alrights, we spilt after the raffles statue stop and we proceeded to LAU PAT SAT! WAHAHAHAH i think my 2nd time there? gosh it's so big and there's so many yummy food there :D i was thinking 10brothers can come here eat one day.hehehe.damn cool pls..but the blaring hokkien song from the speakers could be a problem... :P (but i know weiren sure likes it alot! muahaha..)

the structure of the interior..looks much nicer in person though..

my "orh-lua" and popiah..heheh yummy..sel had this amazing kuay chup also! okay we were actuali slacking off to have our lunch there :P

okays den we met ps and shermaine who looked damn tired.hahaha.and we proceeded to raffles place tgt..nth much worth to be mentioned..

and then we took a train back to cityhall and we walked thru esplanade, den reached the floating stadium(under construction), only to find out that our destination: THE SINGAPORE FLYER is still damn far away.....hahaha...damn tired at this point alrdy.but the place looks kinda cool..and there's this thin bridge built over the waters to reach the harbour for the boat tours, so when ppl walks on it, it freakin looks like they were walking on the waters like the DHL commercial! lol okays random..

like finally...
okay den final destination is Orchard Ngee Ann City..and there's this soccer thing going on. Anyways, we decided to shop around for "a while" before resting at the Lido's mac. haha..look at the difference between my coke and sel's coke :D and i almost couldnt finish mine somemore. Sel said the staff actuali said: "1 large coke and 1 extra small one". LOL.

Alrights, guess that's all. Today does feel like in Heroes, where Hiro and Ando(not sure), travelled together to save the world. LOL. It's quite fun! ahhaa.

2007-06-01T02:09:00.000+08:00

假装了解是怕
真相太赤裸裸,
狼狈比失去难受。

2007-05-31T12:53:00.000+08:00

nothing much happened i guessed these few days.
but i sorta managed to get my sleep back, did some tutorials and actually know what im studying.
common test next week! and i have 1 week to revise everything i've learnt.
hopefully it's enough.

was at the foot of my block yesterday "looking after" my bro's friend's car.
and it was so breezy, it's amazing.
i was just sitting there, and listening to the wind.
enjoying the breeze, observing people.
thinking through lots of stuff, about things i've done wrong and right.
about people i've hurt and have hurt me.
and i came to this same, old conclusion:
"Life is unfair; but God is fair."

[haha.btw i'll only reply tags on my blog from now on :D]
Replies to tag:
Fifi: HARLO! :) i shall link you im feeling un-lazy.haha.
zh: HEY BACK TO YOU! haha.
peiwen: yo bro..hopefully things will reali get better :D hahah when holidays come, we can go play already!
Awsome: that is exactly what you mean lor.hahah..
xinyun: i thought you normally tag as "xy", how come change liaos? hehehe.83% not bad luhh, you want free tickle session as ur prize?
xIng: hahaha dont have hanyong, but got TING TING to the rescue! aiyo you tag so much i dunno what to reply liaos..and i will not delete them :P anyways no need get so ji dong over the spam k, im not affected at all.and the more she spam, the more un-affected i am.haha.
koko: lol.good one.haha.but i neva go kindergarten recently lehh.. :P
kenneth: OMG later ppl think we psychotic want to torture kindergarten kids.hahahaha..ur silly comments made me laugh like mad..

to random spammers or any potential ones:
hmms.i'm not angry at you. Maybe you're going through some pain now, maybe you feel the need to put others down to make you feel better about yourselves. Maybe you truely feel happy hurting others, i dunno. But hopefully you find something real in your life soon, because spamming others as an unknown individual is not real. I will just delete your tags away, and the only effect you had on me, is to make me realise that there are friends who truly cared and stood up for me. So i thank you :) All the best to you.

2007-05-27T03:18:00.000+08:00

random thoughts.

izzit sometimes i have too high expectation of a person's character?
that when they did something or say something outof expectation, i actually feel morbidly disgusted.
shud i not have any in the first place?

it's so weird when weiren asked whether those girls i mentioned who looked down on ppl wearing newbie shirts are chio or not.
so what he meant is actually that chio people HAS the rights to bitch about people?
that ugly people shud just like go out to the roads and get knocked down by a 10 ton giant lorry?
reali weird, since physical beauty are not maually controlled by the person her/himself, of cos unless they decided to go under the knief.
so what he meant is that some people are just BORN with the rights to bitch without bearing any guilty conscience or even the effects of karma?

i still dont get it.
ppl come read my blog willingly, and because of that im not supposed to blog my true thoughts?
that im supposed to submit under the pressure of the crowds?
ok lor I LOVE BAND. BAND ROCKS MY LIFE. COME JOIN BAND. IT WILL ROCK UR LIFE LIKE NOTHING ELSE ALSO :D:D:D
no offence man.

making music is starting to feel strenous..hurs.

i think i miss people like KESS! dorothy, andrea, nurra, tammi and matt in the class.
not that the new classmates are not nice or what.
just that the dynamics is indeed different..
screw the choosing time-table system.

people are nice.
band politics made them ugly.
it made me ugly (when im alrdy physically ugly).
i dont like.
dont like the way i present myself.
the way i talk stm.
the way i always give a black face.
the way i wanna talk nicely but everything i said sounds harsh, sarcastic and mean.
the way i wanna smile but despite the fact that smiling uses less muscles den frowning, frowning was all i could do.
the way i wanna enjoy music but i cant.
maybe it's out of instinct that i behave hostile-ly to protect myself.
maybe it's not.
so many "maybe"s for so long, that i've stop looking for a solution.
i let my emotions take over me.

sometimes, the questions are more important than the answers.

2007-05-25T00:08:00.001+08:00

a mistake made in the previous post.
it's disappointed in them, where the them referred to those who didnt turn up for band practs.
anyhow, i think we sounded quite okay for today's main band.
so very happy :D
laming with katfish during band pract is fun!
hahaha.okay off to do my e-tutorial for CMA :S

2007-05-23T19:02:00.000+08:00

You know the problem?
It's the lack of a common goal.

I dont get it. What is the aim of me practising my parts hard when the whole section is not giving their best? No, infact not the ENTIRE band is giving their best. You cant force a person to give their best, it has to be a drive from within, the willingness to practise for their individual parts, before coming for sectionals and main band. Offending seniors, sacrificing my studies, sacrificing my own time to practise, sacrificing time spent with family, sacrificing sleep, is it worth it? I'm having problem catching up with studies and cant sleep at night even though im totally drained cos my mind is swirling with thoughts and more thoughts of band. I'm stoning at group project meeting and i actually told myself it's ok to do nothing, even at the risk of being marked down for the class project. The common test is coming, and i have no idea what i've studied for the past 6 weeks. All my energy, i spent worrying about the section's playing, their attendance, whether their instrument's in good condition and of cos the endless and endless and endless admin stuff to do. And then i can have people telling me they cant make it for band because they have to go celebrate a friend's birthday. What do you expect me to do? I place my trust in her, even times after times i was proven wrong and tada! I bet she thinks im wrong.

But you know what? Maybe I am. I made the section such a dead section. I wished i could talk and laugh with the person beside me, but i have responsibilities. I have eyes watching me. I'm damn sick, disappointed once again. 3 breakdowns within this short 6 weeks, over the section leader post which i did not volunteer to take up at all. AND I CANNOT REJECT. NO CCA POINTS. NO THANK YOUs. NO RESULTS. NOTHING. I'm taking my way out. I'm washing my hands off the section's playing. I'm done with these shit that's being thrown to me. IF YOU CANNOT PLAY FOR CONCERT, THEN SORRY YOU HAVE NOT PRACTISED HARD ENOUGH. ANYWAYS, I DONT THINK YOU WILL FEEL MALU ALSO LAH, NVM LOR, CANNOT PLAY NVM DE :) Not happy? hahah go fuck yourself lor, upside down, left-right, or fuck the dog whatever. And no this is not an emo post, and i mean it.

Afterall, what's most important is that I can play. And i can play because i practised very hard and i turn up for main bands, it's totally not because i have talent or whatever.

PHEW. Now that i'm done with ranting, i shall go finish up my individual report.

2007-05-22T00:53:00.000+08:00

it's one of those days.
it really is..
everything, from the heavy resposibilities to my sense of incapability, is drowning me.
it's sucking all the joy away from making music.
yet again due to the responsibilities, i have the need to continue..
believing in the goodness of the people and the mess now is hard, REALI REALI REALI HARD.
maybe god will eventually see our hardwork and make a miracle happen :D

i miss last year's pnc, from the songs, to the interaction with people, from the joy of making music to the silly fear of being a year1 in band..
the atmosphere just feels so different now..

cos one plus one will always be equals to two.

2007-05-19T23:21:00.000+08:00

BLOGGER IS BACK TO NORMAL!
wahahah.
photos update!

i look damn funny! wahah want more??

HAHAHAHHA SPASTIC~! this is what happens when yiyang+shrek.. :P

i invented this! damn cute right? wanna guess what is it made of?

Puey Suan continues her reign of dominating the World of Chilli!

noooooooo it's not pubic hair...... =.- haha it's the amount of hair im dropping nowadays..*sighs*

a new hybrid of pig + batman = PIGMAN! looks kinda snobbish dont u think?

my house's fighting fish..i think it's under depression.. :(

one fine evening..

this is TING TING THE PRAYING MANTIS! opps X)

wanna guess i took this at blk what? ok i think gab know the answer le.
vers. 2

"Quiet is peace. Tranquility. Quiet is turning down the volume knob of life.

Silence is pushing the OFF button. Shutting it down. All of it."

which are you?

2007-05-16T01:43:00.000+08:00

看到妈妈的背影，
我感受到了沉重的脚步，和只会逐日加重的包袱。
觉得自己很没用，一点忙也帮不上，
很讨厌自己，难免地不断质问自己活在世上的意义。
如果我只能带给周围的人麻烦和痛苦，
那我干愿我从来没来到这世上过。。

不懂从几时开始，这家已不像个家了。
数日的争吵，莫不关心，好像应该渐渐习惯，但却一直办不到。
很累，真的什么都不想管了。
我只想逃。。逃越远越好到一个没有痛的地方。。。

“ 长大难道是人必经的溃烂？”

2007-05-15T01:32:00.000+08:00

i seriously think my E.Q is zero.
been reali impatient when talking to people recently.
haix sian can i dont organize sectionals for the sec sch ppl?
hahah opps..with so many projects, tutorials, tests coming up, i have no idea at all how am i going to cope.. =.-
sometimes i hear a good saxophone playing and wished that i sounded like that, but i actuali do nothing to try to achieve that.
ALL TALK NO ACTION.
so i mux practise more! (chants to myself 100000000 times)

hmms today sectionals is ok i guess.
hopefully things start going smoothly now on.
cos i have totally no time and energy to worry and emo over band stuff le.hehs.

2007-05-13T15:30:00.000+08:00

A very long story, but every single word is meaningful.

It is advisable to tell people who are still in the physical how you feel about them. Often we see people beating themselves up when someone has passed on, regretting not having verbalized their thoughts and feelings, while the other person was "alive" on the physical earth plane.

The Channel on GuideSpeak.com, following our guidance, wrote a heartfelt letter to his mother in November 2001. Five years later, his mother passed on, on the 20th December 2006, and this letter was found amongst her valued possessions, with an inscription in her hand-writing on the envelope, which said, "Do not throw away. Keep forever".

Never be afraid to express your love for another. In the physical earth plane, tomorrow is promised to no one.

My Darling Mother,

I spend my days and nights reading books, listening to tapes, going to lectures, having discussions about one topic - to understand the journey of the Soul, to have clarity of the relationship of the Soul and its relationship to perfection - the image of God. I now know that we are all Souls in human bodies. All of us Souls on earth and all of the Souls in Spirit are all part of one Soul - One Spirit - the perfection we call God.

I see a glimpse of this perfection and aim my life at improving my imperfections. I attempt to improve, make some progress, stumble, pick myself up, attempt again and continue the process until I see some progress. Feeling encouraged, I continue attempting, stumbling, and progressing. The reward is in the journey because the destination of perfection will take thousands of lifetimes.

In this lifetime, I have been blind for over 49 years. I have had to read, listen and discuss this concept but my eyes have been shut, my ears blocked, my tongue stuck to the roof of my mouth. I have prayed, by asking God, for a glimpse of perfection but I was blind and deaf to it.

You, my darling mother, are this glimpse of perfection. You are humility with no need for ego. You are strength without a need for power. You are totally selfless in serving others. You listen without a need to speak. Your guidance is so subtle that hardly a ripple is noticeable. You are at peace with no need for anything. You are wealthy beyond measure because you never needed anything before you got it.

You bore 50 years of marriage, as a saint, more than half of which was spent nursing Dad, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, with total love and devotion. You had little, if any, pleasures of a physical nature. You were deprived of the time to make and nurture friends, to have a hobby or participate in a sport or go to a concert or play for your needs. However, you never complained, you never expressed frustration. You just kept on, in love, showering your blessings on Dad and on us all.

When you lost your other son, tragically, you bore the loss, burying your hurt so you could help Dad handle the loss he felt. I believe that your Soul knew that your son would not be seen again in the physical world but was with you in the spiritual world, so instinctively you could handle the loss easier than Dad could.

There can be very few people in the world who have lived to nearly 80 and who do not have an enemy or even someone who has carried a small grievance of annoyance about them. I cannot think of the one person who could say anything negative about you. You have not harmed anyone either with your words or actions. You have lived the credo you always instilled in us, "If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all.

"You and Dad always struggled financially, but you were never poor. You always knew, instinctively, that the Universe will provide for your needs. You never demanded anything, you always placed Dad and your children's needs way above your own. You have chosen a path on this life on earth to be one of selfless love and devotion.

You have done a wonderful job of it. You are a wonderful, wonderful human being and a marvelous, glorious spiritual being. Thank you for allowing me to choose you as my mother, to show me a glimpse of perfection, which perfection is God.

I love you Mom, you are my heroine forever.

Eternally yours.
All my love,
Your Son

i love the story :D

2007-05-12T02:48:00.000+08:00

maybe there's a way to justify why i keep doing things wrongly..
an equation or some sort..

2007-05-11T01:23:00.000+08:00

yay i successfully changed my blogskin.
phew~

anyways, i know i told myself not to get emo over section stuff but still..
it's ok, im almost there cos at least by supper i was ok le.
which once again prove that if you act happy long enough, sooner or later you WILL be happy.
strange but true :D

hmms..i feel lost..

2007-05-10T02:29:00.000+08:00

like omg i totally love them! :D
wahah must watch the MV ok.
it's nice :D

2007-05-10T01:51:00.000+08:00

ROAR!
i edit until very xing ku le but the border thing is reali quite irritating.
owells.

2007-05-07T23:08:00.000+08:00

I LAUGHED
I LAUGHED WHEN I SAW NORAIN "PULLED" OUT THE BUS'S HANDLE BAR.
I LAUGHED SO HARD I COULDNT STOP, TILL I TEARED AND I STILL FEEL LIKE LAUGHING :D
how great is that man :D

previously had sectionals.
I WASNT BEING EMO PEOPLE, I WAS FEELING:
EXTREME FATIGUE + FRSUTRATION = ANGRY!
i wasnt feeling suicidal, but i did feel like murdering people.
i was so tired, i felt like my knees could give way anytime.
i hate teaching people, i dont have the patience.
moreover there's like 2 groups of freshies to have sectionals with :S
coupled with my perfectionist character, i was making myself feel very miserable.
HOWEVER, i have came to understand that the best i could do is to make sure the members know how to play.
stuff like intonation, DYNAMICS, articulation, where to breathe, where to slur, where to staccato, i cant just go through each and everything with all the members.
it depends on the individual to practise and play out the dynamics.it's about discipline within them.something i cant interfer with, something i cant just put a gun to their head and force them.
because if they dont want, they wont do it.

WHICH BRINGS ME BACK TO MY CONCLUSION OF THE DAY.
FROM TODAY ONWARDS, I SHALL BE LESS SELFISH TOWARDS MYSELF AND BE MORE SELFISH TOWARDS OTHERS.
hahaha.funny u might think.

i shall blog what i like on this blog and rant as much as i like as long as no names were mentioned when it shudnt.
i shall not be the passive person who agrees to everything.
i shall not be nice to each and everyone of you and live with the superficiality everyday.
(i believe there's a diff between being kind and being nice)
i shall stop thinking and caring so much, esp for things that i cant control.
if i did my best in organizing sth, or teaching someone, i shall stop blaming myself even if it's not productive.
in fact, i shall stop blaming myself for each and every single thing that goes wrong in the section.
if there's a solo i like, i want to fight for it.
instead of focusing all my energy on others' playing which i've been doing for the past 2 weeks, it's high time i start practising my scales.
i wanna care and love myself also.of cos this will not happen just because i blogged it, but the least i can do is stop depriving myself of being happy.
if bitching others makes me happy, i will do it.
if cusing at people makes me happy, i will do it.
but of cos, it's not always this extreme.

u know how phoenix rise from the ashes right?
it's almost as if that's what im feeling now.
so tired that i feel energetic.
so depressed that i feel happy.
so restricted that i feel like freeing myself.
^^

2007-05-06T02:55:00.000+08:00

was walking along that long road back to NP with bandmates just now.
chewing rather reluctantly on the snickers choc bar i bought previously.
den i was reminded of the first time i bought a choc bar for myself, a snickers choc bar.
in fact, that's probably the first thing i ever bought for myself on myself.
that was sec1.
i remembered how happy i was to be eating a choc bar, to be enjoying something i bought to reward myself for the first time.
i ate it deliberately slower. i knew i could finish it at one go, but i didnt anyway.
i wanted to fully enjoy it.

thinking back, how could happiness be so easily attained?
how? why? i dunno anymore.
i just dont feel any motivation to play game, watch anime and series or even play sports.
neither do i feel motivation to chiong tutorials, finish projects or interact much with people.
i dont feel motivation to go catch movie or shopping or chilling out.
sometimes, it does feel like im sleeping through everyday.
even when i was listening in lecture, talking cock with classmate, taking sectional, playing in the main band, eating, shitting, blahs.
when i reached home at the end of the day, i feel nothing is accomplished and i cant reali remember what happened that day.
yes, im sleeping through everyday..

how come i dont remember how happiness feels like?
hmms maybe i chose to build up the walls, to numb myself rather den feeling all the pain.
arghs..i wish i could just go away to this far far away place..and i want to just stare up at the clear, blue skies everyday.
feel the wind in my face, taste the fresh air of every morning, hear the sounds of nature..
i would be alone, because that way no one shall judge me.
i would be alone, because i still think im the introvert loner i was born to be.
i would be alone, because den, i dont have keep forcing myself to interact with people.

pretending im ok doesnt mean i am ok.
pretending i dont care doesnt mean i didnt take it to heart.
pretending to shrug it off doesnt mean ur comments didnt hurt anymore.
pretending is tiring. CAN I SHOUT IT IN UR FACE WHEN YOU GET ON MY NERVE?
CAN I STOP BEING THAT HARMLESS COWARD AND START STANDING UP FOR WHAT I BELIEVE IN?
CAN I STOP PRETENDING IM ACTUALLY FINE WITH ALL THE LABELS PEOPLE STICK ALL OVER MY PATHETIC FACE?
i dont mind being a dumb clown and entertain you guys, but even a clown has the right to feel sad and tired.

2007-05-04T23:21:00.000+08:00

YIYANG! WHAT'S YOUR PORFESSION???????!!!!!!!!!!

IM A FULL TIME BAND MEMBER,
PART-TIME BAND CLUBHOUSE DOOR OPENER,
SEMI-PART-TIME STUDENT OF NP
AND SEMI-DEMI-PART-TIME SON TO MY PARENTS!
roarrrrrrr~~!!!

alrights anyways.
went out with panda and helmet just now.
helmet keep bullying panda and me :(
thats why we are getting skinnier :(((
and we caught SPIDERMAN3! wahaha in my opinion, it's definitely the best out of the spiderman series.
a good balance between action sequence and emotional parts, so it's not some dumbass action film.
lol plus the effects is pretty good eh.
GO WATCH~!

"What about my uncle? Did he get a chance?"
so this phrase kept repeating in my mind.which i think adequately applies to most of the situation im in.
some people jux like to stereotype a person or a band, and just one-short shoot down the band without even giving them the chance to prove themselves yet.
maybe we shud all be nicer, and not label someone and restrict them within this small boundary that we have set.
maybe they are capable of much more and we just refuse to see it.
being able to keep our hearts open to changes, differences and give chances are i think, one of the most remarkable thing that humans are capable of :D

2007-05-03T00:53:00.000+08:00

more random pics~!

loves! :D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D

i would very much love to somehow find a theme for my random pics.

but im too tired to do so.wahaha.

im damn bored pls uploading so many photos :P

gosh give me motivation to change blog skin!

2007-05-03T00:22:00.000+08:00

arghs yiyang's stupidity has reached a new level liaos.
i actuali pulled out my thumbdrive when it's still copying into my system file 0.o.
im damn clever pls.
hahah den i tried to reboot FROM the thumbdrive.walau i feel like slapping myself so hard i fly to the great walls of china man :X
anyways now that everything is fine, i can blog again!
ok celebrated Hanyong's birthday yest and it was super duper fun!
i love playing around with cakes :D
kinda lazy to blog everything up but hope he likes the surprise and present jiu hao.

recently, i realised that even though im laughing.
i wasnt reali happy.i dunno why.
i want the feeling of laughing till i peng or tear.
kinda jealous that kosin and shirin can laugh like no body's business over the simplest thing.
hehs.

been observing people.
realised when a person is alone, he's practically harmless.
yet when they started gathering in a group, it's as if the personality change or whatever.
suddenly start to shoot ppl and do all the mean stuff and look down on ppl.
im also guilty of making this offence but i think mine is not the drastic kind.
characteristics of being in a group?
using group pressure to assert force on others, i think thats not nice at all.
it is as if we are hoping to gain some sense of authority or seniority over that particular weak person.
but the truth is, by making others feel ugly, one has unconsciously become even uglier.
hahs ok im abit ji dong, maybe cos i've often been victim of such "ostracisim".

Memory to Remember:
Watching you sleep..looking so peaceful..i think i could just stare at you like this forever. If i could choose a moment in my life to remember even if i was to get amnesia, this would be it. You're reali like an angel, do u know? hahaha..everything seemed to be ok right now...

dontfollowurheart

2007-04-30T21:00:00.000+08:00

maybe i have watched too much drama series.

for something that meant so much to me, i would have expected probably something more dramatic.

and yet it ended so abruptly and so quietly.

and as if the world should stop revolving, the time should stop for me to recover from the sadness,

it didnt.

life still goes on as usual.

if you understand, you would go away.

2007-04-29T23:55:00.000+08:00

random pics~! and i mean it.

LOL.maybe we can change name to the "sticker gang" hahahha.kosin's sticker mux be damn smelly by now :DDD

yay we went back to 4ENDURANCE '05 classroom wahaha..huiyan and kosin n yuanwen mux be damn jealous! 1 day we secretly go back and take pic with doraemon again.

lol kuku kokwey.hidden underneath that blob of brownish fats is a greatly talented flautist wahah x)

traffic light at NP! nope im not referring to that useless thing recently installed in ngee ann to connect that 15cm of road which i can cover in 1/8 steps.hahah.

lol i EVOL..................................................................the hat! hahah hidden love between emo king and queen??! :P

nah this is what i reali call hidden love.hahah.

act emo..

retarded! maybe u guys cant see it but i wasnt acting actuali....... :'(
woohoos at the airport before sending shirin off to thailand ages back.

cant remember exactly when we took this.lol.

...hahah i think i was saying kosin's grandma damn cute when reading the newspaper :P but she too wols den din take the photo down in time.

miss wenn on her birthday kbox session.

lolllllllll gayyyyyy!! X)) (bags proudly sponsored by wu duo hua)

yo we're the 10bros+sis~! candid shot.

i look like bull dog...haHA i rmb we were playing this lame mahjong game we invented and we lost to kenneth TWICE!

yay grp shot on the miss wenn's bdae celebration.

haha we secretly took this..shhhhhhhhhhhh............

hahaha damn cool pls.

yay! u cant see my gay shot! (adeline stop laughing at this pic ah.... :S) ahahaha.

although i've been spending less den 12hours at home recently, the few measely hours spent at home still sucks.
hearing parents arguing about money issues and brother talking down to me all the time.

along with the endless tutorials, projects and band stuff, it reali sucks to hell.

reali wished i could bast the radio so loud it makes my ear deaf, so i dont have to listen to all that shit going on.

ironically thats when the getai singer started singing -.-

even when im resting, there's so many things going through my mind :S

anyways i was trying to find a reason to why im always desperatly cleaning stuff.

clearing stuff away and rearranging things..

all these actions seem redundant being done on a regular basis since things will always get messed up.
but i guess..

i guess i hate my life so much i wished i could jux clean it all away as easily.or as if other stuff in life are too hard to handle that i wished to do well in at least something as simple as cleaning things up.

hmms i dunno which..

but all i know is that im kidding myself.

i still think it's amazing how human being could fake a smile so easily when inside they're bleeding like hell.
-- "a smiling face doesnt mean a smiling heart"

2007-04-28T01:19:00.000+08:00

A memory:
Gosh the bugs are reali damn horrible.cant believe that they actually nested in my ceiling lights and gave birth to a gazillion babies flies and they are infesting the house! I hate april's rainy season..Damn, i have to go through that bloody stack of CDs urgently to upload band songs..(in the back, i could hear the election going on on tv..i think worker's party just won the potong pasir area again..lol i wonder how kokwey will feel.haha..) i think i...

ahhhh paiseh.
THANK YOU TO EVERYONE WHO CHEERED ME UP AND CARED ENOUGH TO TAG :D
esp to YOGAfamily, hopefully we can meet up next week k!
things should have settled already...i hope..

sometimes, i wonder if it's the best to keep the ugly truth from a person.
even if the intention was to protect the person initially.
hmms..
anyways i guess as a SL, there's some reali hard decision and mean stuff for me to do during this upcoming week.
hope i wont offend anyone..or hurt them..hmms..

OH YAH HAPPY BIRTHDAY HANYONG!
STAY SMART? HEH HEH. :D

2007-04-26T00:23:00.000+08:00

A memory:
It's raining cats and dogs outside. Im drenched from rushing from lt26. Thanks to the nice guy who changed for me the latest edition of BCA SAM if not i reali wasted money liaos. The library seems exceptionally cold. The crowd of the "peak" hours seemed to have subsided as well. It feels kinda weird waiting in the library alone, but again, i thought i shud start getting use to that feeling. I wished that it stop raining soon now that i've read through all the magazines i like and there's simply nothing to do. I think i'm gonna be slightly late for band because i have no idea how to get to the band room when it's raining. We're supposed to go move the instruments to the convention centre for practice later. Gosh, im still unsure of the concert pieces, but Inn Of the Sixth Happiness sure sounds nice. I think i too long never play le, keep going flat! push in all le also no use, hope mr tan wont scold me later...

thank you adeline panda especially for cheering me up yah :D
haha reali no wonder we emo club pres and vp man.

2007-04-25T00:12:00.000+08:00

im so sorry if you're reading this.
i mean im trying hard to not think too much le but i jux cant do it..
it feels so bad..i feel bad for u that ur reading this..
just that everything seems to be wrong right now..like every single thing.
it's just so hard to keep feeling the disappointment and yet picking myself up..
i jst dont feel like i have the ability to do so anymore..

it's as if life just gave a whole new meaning to "flaw"..
i know my flaws;
i know that im reali not good at singing, but i tried.
i know im not good at band, but i did try to prac.
i know im not exactly the clever type, and so i study very hard.
i know im not good at games, but i try to play anways.
i know i know nuts about soccer and in fact all sports on earth, but i read up stuff here and there so i wont be that odd-ball anyways.
i know i behave like a sissy all the time, but it's something that i've been trying to change since sec sch and yet it's like a nightmare that keeps coming back to haunt you.
i know that im a mean person and i think badly of ppl at times also and even talk behind their back, but i already try to keep that to the minimum.
i know im ugly but i dont think i can ever afford a plastic surgery.
i know my family is not rich, and so i tried to keep my splurging to the minimum.
i know i emo alot, and yet i dunno how to get rid of it when even reminding myself of the positive things in life doesnt help anymore.

but i just dont think it's ever enough..feels like everyone is demanding from you more and more as u grow up.
can i be that baby again?
most of the days, i still feel like that awkward kid in class.
the one that always get taunted by classmates and have recesses alone.
i cant get rid of that pain..i numb them with the everyday "nothing"s.
most people dont understand the pain i guess, it's so easy for them to make fun of ur weaknesses.
sorry but i dont think i deserve to be ur fren anymore..nah actuali i neva felt that way b4 anyways.
and than tears doesnt work anymore, it doesnt relieve you of that sickness you feel in ur heart.
instead they shame you..reminding you of your weakness.
it's when it feels like god took away the last help-line in your life, leaving you stranded.
slowly you suffocate..but i wish for a easier way out anyways.

whoosh if this continues i shall stop blogging until im feeling ok again ba..

suddenly it doesnt feel so hard anymore.it doesnt look that bad either.so maybe solution isnt that far away....?..
原来这语气很像你。。

2007-04-23T00:21:00.000+08:00

The hedgehog's dilemma: The closer they get, the more they hurt each other.

i dont want to hurt anyone.
i dont want to say mean stuff unintentionally.
sorry.
ihatebeingalonerbutmaybeuguyswilldobestleavingmealonek.

2007-04-21T21:15:00.001+08:00

i guess the morning went well.
abit too well and it is as if i know the afternoon was goin to be bad for me.
indeed for some weird reason, everything seems to be going wrong.
wrong wrong wrong.
thank god jefferson came back because i think if there's any reason the juniors are staying, it's cos of him and weiren.
i dunno why but jefferson is so good at being an sl that i feel utterly useless.
i cant play well, cant sight read well, i dunno any good mouthpiece, ligature, reeds, instruments, famous conductors, or even good sax instructor.
all i know is that i love music and that is apparently not enough.
it feels so stressful to just hear everyone go on and on and on and on and on and on about techniques, instruments, blahs all music stuff.
and strangely, at one point in time i actually dunno what was i doing in band.
i felt no passion, nor any motivation to improve and i actually dont care.
maybe something inside me is telling that i'll never be THAT good player i desired to become, or the desire to become good is just another item on my "to-achieve" list and i dont even love music truthfully.
i hate being a sl, always having to care for ppl's playing, attendance, attitude and morale when i cant even save myself.
so tied down by responsibilities,
responsibility to remain enthu when im alrdy so tired.
responsibility to interact with members when i reali jux wanna rest alone.
responsibility to act like i know how to play when im reali a fucked up player.
responsibility to feign an interest in stuff that i actually couldnt care less about so as to feel involved.
responsibility to keep having faith that things will improve.
no reali, i hate being an sl.i so shud have learnt my lessons alrdy.

sometimes i get so envious of others, envious of their ability to be so
effortlessly nice to people;
effortlessly good at playing instruments;
effortlessly efficient;
effortlessly good at socializing;
effortlessly ordinary.
i wanted to be like them.
im like a mould or a ditto or even a mirror.
always trying to be someone else, that i dont even know who's the real me.
and yet i always try too hard and ends up looking like some idiot.

i feel super out of place today..or shud i say extra?
at sim, lack 1 seat so the whole table have to squeeze in order for me to sit with them.
at band, jefferson has to let me play the yamaha custom cos lack 1 alto sax.
at dinner, there was 3 guys and 3 girls so i was like the extra one.
eat xiao long bao, 10 baos would have been equally enough for 5 person and i was the extra one who wanted to eat.
im sure there's more but i jux couldnt remember now.
or maybe out of 11committee members, im the extra one? hahs.

im so touched by Noah Ark's story.
Noah's got so much faith and he totally deserved the rainbow.
they said there's always the rainbow after the rain..
but considering that i've been living in darkness, there'll be none for me i guess.
im not beautiful like what the story said, that everyone shud be..
maybe im the only exception and thats okay i guess.
i feel so flawed, so wrong, so out-of-place all the time.
flawed.haha i think i like that word.

anyways why are u reading this since it's so hard to read?
why are u wasting ur time on me?
izzit out of concern or just pure kay-pohness?
:(

2007-04-21T01:23:00.000+08:00

像空气般不存在的存在;

2007-04-18T23:26:00.000+08:00

I know i emo alot, esp nowadays, but sometimes i just cant control it :S
actuali, i jux need some time alone to think through stuff because i know my complaints and roots of emo-ness will be far too much for any one of my frens to bear.
but at least allow me to vent off all my frustrations here, no offence.

anyways try to access this link and read this story:
http://www.motivateus.com/stories/shaolin-monk.htm

i shall just put the moral here.
"The one lesson, that I wish to give people is this:

You are who you are, and that is OK.

If you are a man, a woman, rich, poor, fat or skinny, old or young, you are fine the way you are. If you are Black, White, Asian, Latino, Hindu, Sihk, Jewish, Christian, Buddhist, Muslim, or other, it is our differences that make us special.

If you make a conscious choice to change jobs, start a business, earn more money, lose weight, finish a degree, or achieve any goal or dream, then do it. If it will make you happy, then do it.

But don't ever let anyone bully you into feeling bad about who you are.

You are the way you are supposed to be and you are beautiful."

i was reali touched when i read finish lah..but if u lazy and jux skipped the whole story den i guess u wont know what the hell am i talking about.haha.
and i was jux thinking after reading that, it felt so good to be told you're beautiful or where u've excelled in for once, after going through meaningless everydays being told where you HAVE NOT DONE WELL..

lots of weird thoughts going through my tiny little brain..
one of which is that im very sick of trying to compete a person's or fren's attention.
mostly prob i feel that way is cos im not confident of myself to make the person happy, i.e i feel like im a waste of people's time..
as in i would go imagine they would be having so much more fun with their other frens i guess.
boo..
i need to fart more to get rid of the emo-ness!

2007-04-16T23:25:00.000+08:00

Disappointment: A feeling of dissatisfaction that results when your expectations are not realized.

I hate disappointments.
I guess we all hate disappointments, and therefore we plan.
Every detail, steps and people in-charge, we plan.
We wish to keep that disappointment to the minimum but stuff always happens.
things dont always go as planned, well actuali they seldom.
so is this feeling of disappointments still necessary?

maybe we can neutralize that disappointment with something we call hope.
HOPE that tml will be better.
HOPE that all the bad stuff are just temporary.
HOPE which allows us to choose to see the better side of a person.
HOPEfully, this hope is not a facade.

2007-04-16T00:30:00.000+08:00

i went to my first Beautiful Sunday at Esplanade today with Christine, Kenneth, Weiren, Kosin and Gabriel! den we met Kenneth Wong, Darryl (HOR~!), Shaoxuan and gregory also.lol.
performing band is Mus'art Symphonic Band and the theme was Animaniacs :D
i must admit the band was a little, teeny, weeny bit messy for the first 2 pieces but it still sounded great of cos.but from den on they started to sound better and better.
by the end of the concert, i was reali impressed by their balance cos all parts was brought out suitably. EVEN AT LOUD PASSAGES THEY ARE BALANCED!

some figures i noticed are firstly, the malay alto sax player! his tone is so controlled and round lor..totally in another realm liaos his playing..haix i see le also gek sim so i must practise very very very hard!
secondly, the percussionist called jennifer (PROMISE say one hor..) who mostly played the drumset.i always find myself unconsciously staring at her playing and den go: "wahhhhhhh".
lastly, there's this trumpeter who's semi bald head le and played first trumpet for the Spaceship and Spirited Away medley.i think is cos his high notes are not piercing and has a nice tone but i highly suspect is his semi-balding-head that keeps shining under the bright light :P

maybe is cos they are playing anime songs (i love soundtracks and anime songs!), but there are reali alot of times where i was 感动 by the music.
they gave me the feeling that they are reali enjoying making music and i felt so happy listening to them :D:D:D
indeed i was motivated to work harder on my playing..
wahahaha and they reali made my sunday very very beee-uuuu-teee-ful.

anyways after that the 五个月 with discount went to watch SUNSHINE which was reali awesome.
there's alot to be learnt from the movie, strongly encourage everyone to go catch it! (thought i may be slightly draggy at the front part).
haha ok i din reali elaborate all the stuff we did today cos im lazy.
but it was fun!! :D

the day ended nicely with an INTELLIGENT TALK with kenneth on the train ride back.
haha realised that our philosophy on life is quite different but i still find it interesting.
oh dear performance tml for CCA fiesta, hope everyone remembers all that we've rehersed and plays well :S

2007-04-15T02:19:00.000+08:00

oh my god what am i still doing here at this unearthly hours??!
i lost my darling thumbdrive thats why!!
maybe it's been gone a few days, a week or even a month cos i haven been using it.
arghs im damn broke le cannot buy thumbdrive lah! hehs.
did anyone borrow my dear thumbdrive? anyways if u did pls pls pls inform me kk.
or maybe now ur staring at an unknown thumbdrive that's lying harmlessly on that nice desk of yours, DO NOT HESITATE FURTHER! IT IS PROBABLY MY FREAKING THUMBDRIVE!
pls be a samaritan and return to me :D

oh anyways randomly, i dunno why now that when i read a junior's blog or hear the recording for PHSSB for syf'07, i will feel very gek sim.
i know they can do much better! i've heard them played much balanced before.
they know their notes and rhythms! why did they reserve so much that the dynamics suffered that day?
they practised 5 months for that 15 minutes on stage and yet they have to let nervousness get to them..i feel injustice for them, esp those that had reali worked hard.
it is reali a big pity that stuff they rehersed were all pretty screwed up last minute.
why did they slow down so drastically at Safari, machiam rallantando lidat?
non the less it's all over..but maybe there's a lesson to be learnt from this competition.
I'm sure PHSSB is capable of excelling, they just need more discipline and practice! i know they can get the gold if they want to.
we need the whole band to have the same vision and work hard towards it.
each and every section has to push themselves..
never ever just say you wanna be good, you wanna get a gold but put in no effort to improve yourself..never..
arghs i should have overcome my fear of crowds and tell them that!
i guess all these are meaningless rantings since they wont see all these >.<

2007-04-15T00:52:00.000+08:00

it hurts to be under-appreciated.

school reopening soon! arghs.
*dreeeeeeaaaaaadddds*

2007-04-14T01:11:00.000+08:00

i have a lot of people to apologize to :S

FIRSTLY, (although i highly doubt anyone will see this lah.) i reali wanna say the loudest: "SORRRRRRRRRRIIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!" to Enticing Babylon 2! I know i mia for games day, og dinner and stuff so i couldnt reali get to know you guys! i reali feel very guilty but you guys are reali a cute bunch of freshies :D ok shall try to name you guys name: Elizabeth, Tracy, Shu Hua, Shaquila(?), Estella, Hang Feng, Jing Yi, Charles, Xavier, Hannah, Shu Ying(?) and one more guy whom i forgot the name :P sorry.hahaha. and of cos Benjamin, Jennyfer, Yvonne, Zhi Yu and zhiyu's very funny fren whom made the short period i shared with you guys very fun :D

SECONDLY, an equally loud: "SORRIIIIIEEEE!" to YogaFamily :S cos CCA Fiesta and kuku stuff coming up, so will be very busy for band's stuff. BUT i promise (hehe) after week 1 we can go out le! and then we must wear PHS uniform okok? :D esp sorry to huiyan whom "lied" a few times to persuade me go out.hahahahah. u guys miss me hor? i also! :D

THIRDLY, to the president of emo club! hahahah.addy ah i wished i could go watch movies but band and school reopen reali quite alot of stuff to do :( haha i want to watch the Korean movie with the 200 pounds fat girl..looks very funny, our CLEANER (the name start with "k" de) sure know de cos HE likes to fake korean ma. meanwhile let's try to get our base off Koko-planet.wahh there the security not good, the president looks very scary also.wahaha.

LASTLY, (they definitely wont see this) is to my mum and dad cos i hadnt been around house much and machiam treat house like hotel lidat.den sometimes will be very impatient talking to them and i know i very mean. hehs reali sorry :S hopefully i will have more time to stay home when week 1 ends...

hmms sometimes you hear 2 sides of a story, which makes you feel kinda awkward.
as if there's a need for you to side :(
i guess it's reali hard to reach a balance ba..

i realised i've been spending alot alot alot of time on band.
either on planning the endless stuff we need to plan, like deco for booth, improving the band, wind ensemble playing, orientation, re-cataloguing the library, blahs....
or on my playing and trying to have mini sectionals.
sometimes i wonder whether all these hard work put in will pay off eventually...
the band's spirit may jux continue to rot..
my playing may forever suck..
yet now that im in too deep, i can only move forward.
hehs.

but i know that i reali love music..
seriously, i dont feel qualified at all to make that statement, i.e to say i love music when i dont even understand it fully.
therefore i must try to learn more about music, haha maybe treating it as a way to compensate music for all it has provided me in my whole life.
i may not have a grade 8 cert in saxophone, but i wanna be serious and make good music.
if not what's the point right? goin to syf''07 made me realise that tears are already too late when the results are announced.
we must be discipline and always be prepared for each and every performance :D

2007-04-10T23:51:00.000+08:00

oh man hanyong's latest blog entry described exactly how i feel.
i wont do a better job expressing it in words den he does.lol.

i dunno why im in this reali reali strange mood.
it's like a frustration that i cant identify it's cause.
or maybe there are too many channels of frustration that i cant differentiate properly.
but i reali dunno which, which reali adds on to the frustration :X
i dunno what to do, the tears wont come cos if at least i could cry it out den maybe i will feel slightly better but they jux wont come.
they jux wont come..
i feel totally helpless..in everything i do..even if i tried to give it my very very best, all i felt is that im not good enuff.(and my bro is doing an excellent job to frustrate me everyday..every single bloody freaking god-damn fuckin day)
even goin back to phsband, im feeling that i dont belong there anymore..i dont feel qualified to say anything, teach anything or even play the sax..such frustration..along with so many many things..

going back and forth in life, experiencing ups and downs, but this time i jux dont feel that i can get up.
suppressing all the disappointments, all the failures, all the unhappinness and trying to fake a perfect life, wow humans are such ridiculous living beings.
or maybe jux me..hahs.
i wished that u would talk to me..yet i do not want anyone to disturb..
im a big lump of mess and disappointments.waha so pls do not have any expectation of me..

am i disappointing u?
am i disgusting you?
am i irritating u with all the negativity?
now u get my point..

2007-04-09T20:38:00.000+08:00

was reading Tuesday With Morrie a few days ago, and i came across this sub-chapter.
below is an excerpt from the book:

It is 1979, a basketball game in the Brandeis gym. The team is doing well and the student section begins a chant, "We're number one! We're number one!" Morrie is sitting nearby. He is puzzled by the cheer. At one point, in the midst of "We're number one!", he rises and yells, "What's wrong with being number two?"

The students look at him. They stop chanting. He sits down, smiling and triumphant.

i was especially touched by this particularly short chapter.
starnge that i had never thought this way before.
maybe it's the culture we are in, which had strongly influenced us to be so competitive and sometimes even blindly chasing a goal which essentially means nothing to us.

i know that the SYF'07 for bands starts today and obviously there will be people who are disappointed with the results.
but disappointment is one thing, regret is another.
if everyone in the band has given their all for that 15 minutes onstage, then the results are really secondary isnt it?
playing and enjoying music as one, appreciating and encouraging one another during the process, those are the stuff that matters and should be remembered for instead of the stupid piece of certificate.

not all bands will be able to get golds but yet everyone wants that gold.
so disappointments are reali inevitable right?
we should jux absorb the experience and move on, proud of ourselves that we gave our best :D

so particulary PHSSBians, i want you guys to give your best and if knowing that you had given everything you gotta offer to give the the most dynamic performance on 11th Apr,
i expect you to proudly tell everyone what you've got, be it a gold, silver, bronze or COP.
because the spirit you guys had will not be easily condemned by others who do not understand the hardwork you gave in.
the seniors love you guys lots and will support you all the way :D
jiayou!!!!!!!

2007-04-07T23:47:00.000+08:00

it feels like walking down a road that leads to nowhere.
it feels like drowning in the ocean and no one was there to save you.
it feels like being trapped inside a claustrophobic space and suffocating soon.
i wished i could just walk and slip off a step of the stairs and fall to a terrible death.
i wished a vase would strike me vertically in the head and i could die immediately.
i wished the kind uncle who always hover around my neighbourhood shooting those crows would just miss a shot and hit me instead.

my playing sucked extra hard today prob cos i din practise those pieces hard enough.
and i was struck with a unidentifiable pain in my back halfway through which stuck with me till now :S
the wind ensemble prac was not very productive, but at least we confirmed those pieces we playing le.
i was trying hard to not feel (or at least show) my disappointments because i see people like weiren and hanyong goin the distance to borrow scores for us and getting everyone to settle down.
i see people spending extra time to stay back to practise and the serious look on their faces.
i know den that i cannot be selfish to jux sulk there like some 3 yr old kid.
the very least i can do is to play my best although my cheebye already nua liaos so it all sounded like chilli-crap :P
let's work hard!

random question: Are you one of my fair-weather friends?

2007-04-06T18:52:00.000+08:00

i was probably alone at the baoc jux now, but im definitely not LONELY becos i wasnt expecting my classmates to be there either.
and isnt it funny how someone blindly bitches INFRONT OF YOU?
hahaaha.
i reali dont understand why did that guy keep referring ugly girls as rats.
seriously it sounds rude cos i didnt think he would like girls to refer him as cockroach as well.

i realised that sometimes a person has to prove his worth before gaining entry into a clique or community.
such included scolding vulgarities and well, referring girls as rats.
and i totally dont wanna follow in that steps.
if you truely belong to that group, you dont have to prove your worth.

i reali dislike in-efficiency and dont like unproductive trips or sessions.
a recent example is going down all the way to Tanjong Pagar to meet aloysius only to find myself waiting 50minutes for him, wasted another 10min to find that salon where i wanna dye my hair AND only to find out that the salon has closed.
a much more recent example is today, where we have to meet 9am in the band room to practise for the wind ensemble thingy.
i personally was quite hyped up for it cos i wanna believe that we can do it.
however to me, it jux feels like we're all restless and nothing particularly productive happened.
i thought we would jux all turn up and perfecting ever single note..

disappointments, disappointments, disappointments..
all i met are disappointments, everywhere i turn i see disappointments.
disappointed at the ensemble?
i dont think i even have the slightest rights to feel so cos my playing are like shit as well.
disappointed at myself?
for pinning so much hope? for believing too much?
afterall everyone has their own commitments and priorities, no one is to be blamed.
:(

randomly, i think im scared of popular people.
people with big social circle.
im too fazed by my own securities.
scared of regarding the person as an important friend, only to find out that im jux one of his/her 174627462832 friends.
lol.im pathetic.

2007-04-04T21:47:00.000+08:00

ok so no one guessed the price of the Zara leather jacket.hahaha.
anyways it cost $499.lol.

a little update on yesterday, we went to celebrate peiwen's birthday.
im glad everything turned out well and we managed to surprise her lah.
all thanks to kenneth, gabriel, kosin, weiren, hanyong, shirmain and christine for effort put in :D
had lots of fun singing kbox, dancing, jumping on the sofa, singing duets, blahs..
den at night most of us managed to go peiwen's house to "ton".
haha and it's one of my most successful toning session where we managed to watch movie, check out photos, play games and talk cock through the night with the minimalist sleep.
however when we returned from the mac breakfast, most of us buay tahan liaos.
even though we were watching la4 pi3 xiao3 xin1 which is retarded-ly funny, we started to collaspe to dreamland one by one (with me taking the lead :P).

den today, kosin and i went to meet adeline-panda for movie session!
LIKE FINALLY I WATCHED A MOVIE!
watched The Number 23 which is freakin psychotic luhh :S
but it was pretty nice like fitting pieces of puzzle to get the answer.i like!
den after that we were like trying to find number 23 around us but realised that we shud be more special,
so we decided to find number 18 instead and guess what?
J=10, and we were at J8 so 10+8=18! hahaha lame..
but it was damn fun shooting kosin and talking cock.wahaha more more~! :DD

on the other hand, im finishing Tuesdays With Morrie le.
there's so much to learn from the book and i reali reali strongly encourage everyone to read.
it's pretty short and easy to understand as well :)
so i was reading through this part where it mentioned sth about the culture around us influencing us to think and act in the wrong way.
that we dont express our love and try to hurt each other because of greed.
which by all means i think it's damn true.

den Morrie mentioned sth like we shud create our own sub-culture and not live blindly by the rules set by this world.
adopt the habit to interact and love in the community we live in, including our friends, family and school,..
ever since, i started to be more conscious of my actions and thoughts.
e.g, when i hear people talking about how big their house is, or how wealthy their family is, i will unconsciously feel inferior because my family ain't even 1/5 as rich and stuff. den maybe feel a slight sense of jealous and shame :S
but it's when i realised that i am unknowingly under the negative influence of the culture we live in.
a culture where more money is good, more cars is good, bigger apartments is good and we are all propelled through this insatiable greed for more material wants.

the fact is not everyone is born rich, well at the very least im not.
the fact is for every semester im getting through now, im not 100% sure that i can afford the school fees.
but it's also fact that my whole family is trying our best to cope le.
so maybe i do not have a big swimming pool, a bbq pit, a sauna, not even my own room nor a working teevee now.but those are just WANTS rights..
instead of spending effort worrying and feeling ashamed, i can spend them on the people around me and stuff within my control.

et go of the many barriers and restrictions set in our mind by this society, den maybe we will become more receptive to love and learn to care for people ba..

ihatethetoneyoutakewithme.stopaccusingmeofnotdoingmybest..imnotsuperman.

2007-04-02T22:55:00.000+08:00

PEIWEN~! i wanted to blog about our damn dramatic convo last night but i forgot to turn on the save message history thing luh :S

wth..but it's soooooooooo funny...hahahahhaha.

(i can imagine you laughing while reading lor)

owells nvm lah given our DRAMA KING & QUEEN personality, we're bound to do it again huh?

hahaha.

so anyways went to BAOC today and i joined Enticing Babylon! (along with like a million other TRMs to clock our 40hrs thingy for CEM module :P)

it's kinda weird i guess to be doing such "council"-like stuff after 2 years since i quitted.

luckily it's not as bad as i imagined.

saw my last yr's og mates and i was mainly fooling around and talking cock aka entertaining the others.

and i helped to trace and paint the lions on the Babylon shield aka freakin big round shield which ended up in utter utter disaster.

well it's not THAT bad.........just the feet of the lion looked like Doraemon's hand, den Huiyu freely commented that the lion could use the Babylon dagger to commit suicide and the lion looks 3D cos of the extremely thick layers of paint caused by repainting... ...

OKAY so i guess it's pretty bad afterall..

ahahaha but i got put in alot of effort k..

den after went town to walk walk and i tried on this leather jacket from ZARA that costs......????

hahah maybe you guys can guess.

i always feel very disheartened to know that i seem to be the only one giving my best.

but i cannot stop giving my best just because others arent cos this will only lead to more problems.

cannotgiveupcannotgiveupcannotgiveup!

2007-04-01T01:18:00.000+08:00

i hate leaving things undone.
im just weird.
so many things undone, im grateful for a whole day stay at home tml :D

isnt it sad if you cant even blog your true thoughts on your own blog?
*wink wink*

sometimes i just prefer to keep quiet when im feeling unhappy.
because i know stuff i said then will jux piss anyone off,
so isnt it better off for me to keep silent?
or should i have jux blown my top and at least make my views heard?
i dunno..it's hard to get a balance i guess.

now that i've entered the committee, i realised there's alot of stuff to be done.
and to be frank, the band isnt at its best state now (or for the longest time already).
i wished there was anything i could do, yet i always feel that my efforts are so small and insignificant.
improve my playing? bond the section? i dunno..(it's weird that the word: "dunno" always recur in my post)
can we make a difference?
or is history gonna repeat itself?
empty promises, unfulfilled wishes...

CHRISTINE AHHHHH DONT BE SO STRESS OKIE?? :D
THANK YOU SILLY GABRIEL aka FEI MAO FOR THE NARUTO!
THANK YOU KENNETH FOR THE BOOK [TUESDAY WITH MORRIE], so touching i dont dare read in public cos later tear very throw face lor :S
oh yah and HAPPY BIRTHDAY MISS LIM PEIWEN :P
see im so nice..i neva wish people on my blog b4 leh..

stopconfusingmyselfstopconfusingmestopstopstop

2007-03-30T01:31:00.000+08:00

i was playing in the band room just now.
when i realise that one day, not very far in fact, i will be an alumni of NPCB.
i will be having my last concert, my last song, my last public performance, my last song played in NPCB, my last competition, etc..
so maybe we should cherish the times spent in NPCB more.
dont take the talking cock session or the sian-ed kap supper for granted, cos someday very soon i know i will miss those times.
sometimes im sick of the backstabbing and bitching as well but i guess we should all know that such stuff are inevitable in any organization.
there also times the attendance gets soooooooooo bad or my playing gets so sucky and i feel so demoralized that i jux feel like giving up band forever.

i dunno how can i contribute or whether im able to help in any way at all, but i reali reali hope that the band can function and play together as one.
and that the committee can work towards making the band better.
i dont think im pro enough as a musician and seem like talking cock now, but maybe we all can just put a little more effort into improving our playing and coming for band.
we need not be an ultra, super, duper good band with the best music room and instruments,..
but we can at least try?
im just grateful to have a band to play in, a nice conductor and alot of very nicee band seniors and frens.
i hope this feeling dont ever go away :D

2007-03-28T18:28:00.000+08:00

i am back from chalet!
and i think it's my first REAL chalet where i stayed throughout.
we literally spent the 3 days rotting together :P
but it's fun fun fun!
too bad the wild wild wet not open on tues and i was nursing a cold and cough throughout :(
or else i would be more energetic!

it's nice to just escape from work, stress and outside world to play the day away.
and i had time to think through a lot of stuff as well.
hmms..wonder if it's a good thing..

anyways i want to watch "The Number 23" and "Nada Sou Sou". I shall stop missing movies!who want pei me watch? haha aiya i think everyone's like damn busy also leh.

tml to sat is the pnc day camp.
i hope it would be productive.

从前的我们哪儿去了，路太远我忘了。

如果你想飞，我明了。你自由也好。

2007-03-26T00:40:00.000+08:00

突然那几秒

好像天使飞过

看著你微笑

那段时间都禁止

2007-03-23T21:29:00.000+08:00

The world is ugly.The world is ugly.The world is ugly.The world is ugly.The world is ugly.The world is ugly.The world is ugly.The world is ugly.The world is ugly.The world is ugly.The world is ugly.The world is ugly.The world is ugly.I am ugly.The world is ugly.The world is ugly.The world is ugly.The world is ugly.The world is ugly.The world is ugly.The world is ugly.The world is ugly.The world is ugly.The world is ugly.The world is ugly.The world is ugly.The world is ugly.The world is ugly.The world is ugly.The world is ugly.The world is ugly.The world is ugly.The world is ugly.The world is ugly.The world is ugly.The world is ugly.The world is ugly.The world is ugly.The world is ugly.The world is ugly.The world is ugly.The world is ugly.The world is ugly.The world is ugly.The world is ugly.Inside and out.The world is ugly.The world is ugly.The world is ugly.The world is ugly.The world is ugly.The world is ugly.The world is ugly.The world is ugly.The world is ugly.The world is ugly.The world is ugly.The world is ugly.The world is ugly.The world is ugly.The world is ugly.The world is ugly.The world is ugly.The world is ugly.The world is ugly.The world is ugly.The world is ugly.The world is ugly.The world is ugly.The world is ugly.The world is ugly.The world is ugly.The world is ugly.The world is ugly.The world is ugly.The world is ugly.The world is ugly.The world is ugly.The world is ugly.So noisy.The world is ugly.The world is ugly.The world is ugly.The world is ugly.The world is ugly.The world is ugly.The world is ugly.The world is ugly.The world is ugly.The world is ugly.The world is ugly.The world is ugly.The world is ugly.The world is ugly.The world is ugly.The world is ugly.The world is ugly.The world is ugly.The world is ugly.The world is ugly.The world is ugly.The world is ugly.So much pain.The world is ugly.The world is ugly.The world is ugly.The world is ugly.The world is ugly.The world is ugly.The world is ugly.The world is ugly.The world is ugly.The world is ugly.The world is ugly.The world is ugly.The world is ugly.The world is ugly.The world is ugly.The world is ugly.The world is ugly.The world is ugly.So flawed.The world is ugly.The world is ugly.The world is ugly.The world is ugly.The world is ugly.The world is ugly.The world is ugly.The world is ugly.The world is ugly.The world is ugly.The world is ugly.The world is ugly.The world is ugly.The world is ugly.The world is ugly.The world is ugly.The world is ugly.The world is ugly.The world is ugly.

是从什么时候开始，我们的关系变得那么陌生？
是从什么时候开始，你已经不是我从前认识的你？
是从什么时候开始，我们的关系需要第三个人的支撑？
是从什么时候开始，世界在也不美丽了？

谁按掉这世界的开关，
没有颜色没有光。
你的背影变成一面墙；
挡住幸福的眺望。

2007-03-21T22:41:00.000+08:00

WELCOME TO THE RANDOM PICS AWARD :D

Cheapskate Fake Neoprint Award(Bronze): Cheap but Ugly.

Cheapskate Fake Neoprint Award(Silver): We Shall Smile (despite being cheapskate)

Cheapskate Fake Neoprint Award(Gold): Who Cares if it's Cheapskate When It Turns Out Like Studio Shot :P

Caught-In-The-Act Award(Bronze): Singing in the kbox early in the morning.

Caught-In-The-Act Award(Silver): The OMG-YOU-CAUGHT-US-STEALING-A-FIGURINE-OFF-SENTOSA

Caught-In-The-Act Award(Gold): Got caught resting unglam-ly in Carrefour

Premium Neoprint Shot Award(Bronze): The WE ARE 3BFS +1TRM goodfriends!

Premius Neoprint Shot(Silver): Band Clique celebrates Christmas '06.

Premium Neoprint Shot(Gold): YOGA FAMILY :)))

Most Ambassador-Like For Mac(Silver): Kosin trying to seduce Ronald at KAP.

Most Ambassador-Like For Mac(Gold): We Said: "HI!"

The Wet And Dirty Award: We like bathing together, what more can we say? haha.

The Gay Like Dunno What Award(Silver): V-Day at BTP.

The Gay Like Dunno What Award(Gold): The Episode Where NYJC girls would be so jealous of me :P

Okay i know i very lame.

hahaha.

2007-03-19T01:19:00.000+08:00

i didnt know that my stupidity and clumsiness actually helped me to quit the job at NYNY.
hahah.
the manager didnt even try HARD to persuade me to stay, thats how much they wanted me to leave when they didnt even allow other part timers to quit.
owells.
but it's a good thing! because i really want to put my focus on band now.
practising really hard and taking care of the section.
i must learn to be independent and not kao4 weishu, weiren and jefferson le.
i know my playing is getting from bad to worse (even worse den during my sec4), but i really trying very hard le.
den i know sometimes during side-reading, i cant reali play well enough and it's reali dragging the band behind but again i want to try harder.
i hope the band wont xian2 qi4 me :(
i need discipline!

i wanna watch BABEL!
oh man~
upload pics some other time! (haha but i thin no one reali reads my blog so nemind :P)

2007-03-17T20:07:00.000+08:00

cycle.
we are all stuck in never-ending, vicious cycles that we cant get out of.
stuck in a job we can never get out of.
stuck in school with the never-ending assignments, tutorials and block tests.
stuck in our shitty life with bad stuff occuring on a regular basis.
stuck.

stuck.
i know a way out, but am i willing to use?

go away.

2007-03-13T00:29:00.000+08:00

I wanted to reach for a gun today

Splatter the floor in a God-awful way

I wanted a gun with four bullets inside

One for the fountain of tears I have cried

One for the mirror that looks at me sadly

One for the fluffy toy bleeding so badly

And one for the girl who just couldn’t see

That one for the child I sometimes call me

I wanted the gun to stop all the shrill noise

The maimed little puppets and disfigured toys

I wanted to be free a long time ago

Before the ship of my soul sank far below

I admit that I wanted to reach for a gun

Because this life is no longer much fun

Today I ripped up a teddy, then re-sewed on his head

Asked him to tell me what it was like to be dead

He said quite calmly with a stitched-on smile“I think it might benefit you to try it for a while”

In my world of ever-after, the opposite of never，

I’ll start re-stitching myself and try to hold together

Just another disappointment in a never-ending line

Of stitched up gashes in this suicidal fallacy of mine.

我对一个人很失望，

但我现在才发现一直都错的是我。

我应该对自己更失望，

因为是我把“迷恋”和“喜欢”混淆了。

因为我自私地把自己的“以为”和“应该”建筑在那个人身上。

我只能怪自己。

2007-03-11T23:39:00.000+08:00

*squeaks*
the trolley was pushed into the kitchen.
the cleaner saw many leftover food among the cutlery.
the cleaner is angry.
he curses under his breathe and started throwing the stuff around.
*cling cling clang clang*
he decided to take revenge by not cleaning the utensils properly with water and stuffing them into the dish washer.
*poof*
the batch of utensils are done "cleaning" and transferred into a basket for wiping dry along with remaining leftover food.
yiyang the staff who was wiping the cultery decided not to care.
he dont feel bad either.hahs.

i was about to feel bad for just walking out when my shift ended
when i sadly remembered how i did closing for 2 hrs straight yest.
i had to fill all the ketchup and chilli myself and den close the 2 friggin dirty trolley when im firstly not a runner, secondly i can see people walking around waiting to eat the food while im cleaning trolley in the kitchen.
why do i have to get scolded as a food abouyer AND do the closing for the runners?
was there anyone who even offer to help out?
no, not even 1.
everyone's so excited over what to eat, hurray! eat eat eat!
it may sound like easy jobs but try when chefs are busy packing/cleaning and getting out of people's way.
no one cared to help, so why shud i help by staying for OT?

i guess in order to survive there, u have to to be meaner den the other people.
i was being mean today and although i dont feel good, it's better den being pushed around.
and becos i dont feel good, i want to quit so i dont have to compete in the meaness.
correct me if im wrong, but i really think some friendships made at work are kinda fake.

working has allowed me to see the REAL world.
and see alot of different people.
at least now that im more exposed to such environment, i wont be surprised next time round.
maybe when im more mature, i will be able to deal with such environment, such people and learn to listen to scoldings and forget.

and lastly.
THANK YOU PEIWEN, GABRIEL AND WEIREN FOR PLAYING GUNBOUND WITH ME THESE FEW NIGHTS.
i realised cannot take people's niceness for granted, which i always do.
thanks for playing gunbound with me and helping me take my mind off work.
thank you thank you thank you or i would have gotten depression.
:)

You're so tired of the straight line,
and everywhere you turn,
There's vultures and thieves at your back.
The storm keeps on twisting, you keep on building the lies,
That you make up for all that you lack.

2007-03-11T00:19:00.000+08:00

like i said, "it makes me wonder why am i sparing a thought for the management when im oftenly treated like shit".
i've been thinking about the quitting thing and this phrase keeps repeating in mind.
why why why?
it's reached a stage where the biasness and meaness is seriously too much to bear.
principles, what is principle?
feeling the need to be more responsible at work, but does anyone know? does anyone even care?

i know im stupid and dumb and have "memory loss" as mr fareed kindly pointed out to me, or maybe i "dunno what im thinking". but i've tried very hard to pull open my ears and listen to the orders and table no.
still i make mistakes and every night im scolded for the same reason, even if i have only made the mistakes once, like tonight.
do you know the fear i had everytime a new order is out?
im so scared of forgetting the table no. or hear the wrong orders cos i dont want to create problems esp during peak period.
AND FOR EVERY SINGLE ORDER OUT TONIGHT, AND FOOD ABOUYERS SERVE ABOUT 70 ORDERS DURING PEAK HOURS, I FEEL THE SAME AMOUNT OF FEAR AND PAY THE SAME AMOUNT OF ATTENTION.
even if my stomachache hurts like mad, i bear until my bladder too painful b4 asking for permission to shit becos i dont want to leave during peak hours.
still, i bet the managers think i go toilet to slack and use phone or what ba.

so whats principle again huh?
why shud i fuckin spare a thought for others?
i feel so tired and useless.

im gonna first opt to do runner,
den i will quit along with shirmain they all.
im weak, not even half as strong as i wished i was.

2007-03-10T01:32:00.000+08:00

i was walking behind this couple who had their arms around each other on the way home jux now.
and they started playing and tickling each other.
DEN the guy had his hands around the girl's boobs from behind and started grabbing and pinching them?
wert! i feel damn paiseh lah..
ok i know it sounds disgusting and the only reasom it sounds disgusting is cos IT IS! :S

randomly..

i cant stop laughing when,
1.) j**** referred to s**** as the short bitch (hahah!)

2.) the pepperoni pizza i served slipped off the plate in one piece and the cute girl screamed! seriously funny.

3.) adeline went like: "im an orange monster that likes to eat orange!" HAHAHAHAH.I CAN SO IMAGINE PANDA-ADELINE SAY THAT!

it makes me wonder why am i sparing a thought for the management when im oftenly treated like shit.

many times i will come across people writing on their profile: "i hate backstabbers...",
but i was thinking..
who likes backstabber?
AND who isnt one?
ask ur conscience truthfully, haven u bitch behind person A's back and den smile and talk to person A as if they are casual friends before?
is that not backstabbing?
maybe those loners are the most honest people.
less socialize --> less bitching --> less backstabbing --> less being hated?
everyone's fake to a certain extent i guess,
HOW SAD.

每次都听人家比喻友情为一段火车行程，
不是的，都有人会上车和下车。
有的上不了多久就辞程了，但也一定有些会陪你到火车的终点站。
曾有很多乘客，可是也有不少早已下车。
你是其中已经下车了的吗？
如果不是，希望你陪我到最后，
因为我真的很害怕寂寞！

devil and angel at work.
the judgement will be out soon.

2007-03-09T01:12:00.000+08:00

im losing the ability to type/write properly.
screwing up all my tenses, phrasing and connectives.
arghs.

im so troubled.firstly by some nice people at work whom i feel im betraying. Secondly, by the stupid f***** who keeps picking on me: PLEASE GO FUCK URSELF UPSIDE DOWN. Lastly by the whole idea of "boycotting" the work place. This was not my idea all along and i was unsure whether to quit or not all along. However, quitting seems like the only wise thing to do in face of the need to find an exhibition/roadshow kind of jobs and the chalets to come. I really dont want it to become such a huge matter. Maybe im just coward but i dont want to feel the guilt if i were to pass by the place next time. Decisions, decisions, decisions. Things wont go as easy as we think, aka we cant just all quit at once like so irresponsibly and they wont let us. Or am i thinking too much? i have 1 more week to think weigh the consequences and decide. Till den, it's fake smiles and mind games i guess.

是时间和距离留下太多空白，
还是我不该有期待？

2007-03-08T01:06:00.000+08:00

i swear i was so angry i almost blew my top at the big black monster when he asked me to go wipe cutlery.
but again it meant i dont have to face him and it could be a good thing after all.
he's reali the kind that lies in ambush before catching your slightest mistakes.
arghs! pek chek like dunno what.
he keeps saying contradicting stuff from other managers and many times i asked him about the name of the dishes, he told me the wrong ones ok.
okays i shall stop bitching behind his back because he's wasting my energy just by blogging about him.

aiya im losing the feel and passion to blog.
sometimes i dont even know how to put my points across properly.

okay one thing.
i like complaining.
im the type who complains alot but will still do the thing i complained about.
but maybe not everyone likes complaining.
sometimes, people may just prefer you to be there and pei them silently instead of complaining out their woes and troubles?
i dunno.
i always thought one will feel better by saying out all the troubling stuff but i could be wrong and too pushy sometimes by forcing them to complain to me.
therefore, im a poor listener :(

oh i finished watching hana kimi.
and i've been thinking about the ending which i think many people are unhappy with.
the thing is i thought the ending is very appropriate for the relationship quan and ruixi are having.
izzit okay that both person doesnt declare their love for each other as long as they know that love existed between them?
due to some reason, they prefer their relationship to stay that way.
so i mean as long as they both know clearly that love existed, it's enough already right?
they can secretly care for and be there for each other,
and everything else is extra and doesnt matter anymore?

HEHS.
i dunno what am i typing lah.
anyways results out soon.
aiya i can so expect to be disappointed le but i dont think i can stop myself from being sad that day.

2007-03-06T22:13:00.000+08:00

I wished there was a button to my brain, which i can switch off now! I'm sick of always thinking so much.

Yesterday went to Sentosa with Kenneth, Kosin, Shirin, Peiwen, Weiren, Shirmain and Gabriel. It was really nice to get away from boring work and play under the sun!
But it is really a pity we couldnt go play other rides, like the Sky Tower, cos we were so hungry and we got cheated by Burger King(*winks*) to go round and round Sentosa like some freaking blur tourists that we actually behaved like some 127,834,027 B.C barbarians hunting for food.
We ended up in ViVo City munching on yummy Carl's Jr's Burgers, and i seriously felt like i was in Heaven cos food never tasted so good before man..
Then after that we played Truth or Dare at the Sky Garden with accompaniment of some nice booze.
Okay, i made the day sound kinda short huh, but we actually spent almost 12hrs together and it was seriously, seriously fun.
CHALET SOON!

Today is my brother's ROM day and i was appointed the (Noob)Video Camera Man.
Anyhows, i did my best to film down most of the important process which is damn damn tiring cos u have to really be ready to whip out the vid cam to take down all the important moments.
Actually i felt very sian lah cos afterall im surrounded by all these strangers and yet i have to like interview them sometimes, so my face was like BLACK most of the times and i very dao1 de.

But 1 thing im really sure of: I dislike marriages.
Of cos' not that i wont give my blessings to all the newly weds around me but isnt wedding a little too fake?
1st, I hate all the take photos, wedding dinners and entertaining the relatives kinda thing. It's so troublesome and isnt marriage supposed to be about 2 person only? It does feel like you're marrying the whole world.
2nd, i dont trust in marriages.
3rd, i hate the feeling of being tied down.
So when my Dao Sao asked me about marriages, i actually said: "another 20 years then say ba" and she gave me the shock expression.

Maybe someone right will come along and change my mind one day (i doubt so),
but till then, i dont think i want to ever get marry.
(think too much again?)
cos' the most important thing is too take care of my parents and godparents and my friends.

back to work tml *dreads*
bbye.

有些moments真的很漂亮，
但却怎么用相机都捕捉不下来。
只能用眼睛看，而永远收在心里。
可是我现在好想把那些moments 忘掉哦。。

2007-03-06T01:59:00.000+08:00

有可能因为害怕失去温暖，

所以宁愿保持冷漠和距离。。。

2007-03-04T23:42:00.000+08:00

working totally kills my interest to blog.HEH.

anyways went over to my godma's house a few days ago, and the babies are all growing up!

still, it was so fun playing with the kids.

kids are the best because they are still so innocent and if they like u, they smile, if they dont like u, they cry.

sometimes it sucks to know that they are gonna one day grow up to be complicated adults like us..haix..

i wished i was still a kid and could play the days away! hahaha..

hmms..i dont reali know what to blog about le.

there seems to be so much happening yet so little.

oh im beginning to think how long can i sustain at the job le.

shirmain is quitting on the 20th..should i quit as well?

i've been sacrificing all the fun slogging like a cow at NYNY when i shud be enjoying my holidays.

but i still need money! arghs i dunno..

ok maybe i shud jux work 4 days per week and play more ba.

i am seriously considering going to movies alone like sec 2 that time le.

cos everyone else have watched the movies i want to watch and it's so hard to coordinate the time to go watch movie!

haix loner, loner, loner...

aiya dunno what to type le.

bbye.

假装多好我只要

只想要再拥有一秒

2007-02-27T00:07:00.000+08:00

yiyang is sad...

today's a weird day..
hmms actually working at new york new york has been weird.
sometimes, i actually feel glad that i was working and at least earning some bucks.
also there's a satisfaction with helping people and some people there are quite fun to work with.
i jux never, ever thought that i could actually feel happy working.

but at times, i just feel useless, impaired and out-of-place.
i still cant take orders cos i haven familarise with the dishes and beverages.
den today i keep mixing up the table number and confuses other service crew also.

it's not that i din talk at all to people, but sometimes i dont know how to approach the people there.
if i dont socialize and just be shy, work will only become a bore and i may quit soon.
but im kinda scared to be too shou with the people there cos afterall i've only met them for 4 days.
what if they find me too arrogant?
i wished that i am those outgoing, fun and witty people, den i will have no problem surviving there.

hmms.also cos i always feel very inferior, i feel kinda shy serving to the customers.
occasionally, i can feel customers talk behind my backs but although i try very hard to ignore le, it still feels weird.
sometimes staffs talk behind other staff's back, but i try to just listen and not join in cos afterall im still newbie, but i reali hope there are no staff talking behind my back..
am i being too innocent?
cos i guess fake smiles and "backstabbing" is normal at work huh.
of cos there are still some nice people there lah..

a newbie came today and i know im gonna be very mean saying this,
*slaps myself 100 times first*
but i reali wished he never come..
because im scared people will start comparing newbies and their learning speeds.
and u have to teach them from start again..
den again im newbie, does this mean all other staff thought this way about me before??
and thats when im starting to feel reali sad during the night shift just now.
i dont want other seniors to dislike me just cos im a newbie...
maybe they just find me extra and eye-sore and wanna get rid of me?

today the newbie made an error by holding the cups by their "mouths" or brims, and he got told off by ****.
obviously i never did that because i learnt somewhere before not to, but somehow i was scolded as well.
i know **** didnt mean to scold me or what, and im trying to control myself le but i still feel dulan.
and den the fatigue kicked in and all the negative thoughts started to form in my mind, which made my night-shift pure torture.

HEHS.
YIYANG IS SAD.
*pulls hair and bang wall*
bbyes.

2007-02-25T00:21:00.000+08:00

HEHS.
i just saw my schedule next week..
and i saw roughly 6 out of 7 shifts filled up and each like "12am-10.30pm" type de..
this can only mean no life..
i feel like a full timer..gosh..
anyways the manager there are reali fierce.
i better do my closing work properly cos i sooooooooooooooo dont want to be scolded.

im actually supposed to go my aunt's house 捞鱼生 and eat abalone de..
and tml im supposed to go ahkok's house to suck up all his goodies!!
but i'll be spending my today, tml and many many many days onwards slogging like a cow at new york new york...
i dunno but i guess humans can never be fully satisfied?
no work also complain, too much work also complain, IM A COMPLAIN-ER!
i reali wanted to balance out my work and play for this hols but the scale is obviously tipped to the "work" side seriously.
all this money that i earned...can they compensate for the fun that im gonna lose?
no more escape, sentosa, kbox, movie, lesser band and family gathering, izzit worth it?

well i think essentially regardless of the answer to that question, i have to work.
solely because while others' ang pow is like over 400 bucks, mine is less than 100 bucks.
working so hard to earn only what others gets by saying: "恭喜发财，万事如意！", so u say fair anot?
i know i should be contented having a house to sleep in and a regular pocket money, but no one will 嫌 money too much de lah..
unfair, unfair, unfair!
i know by now u must be disgusted by how realistic yiyang is.
well the thing is i am disgusting and i have no choice but to be realistic.

enough of suger-coated lies that our parents feed us since we were young cos the world is reali not even half as nice as it seems or so we were told.
it's better to be realistic in such a country like Singapore where no money = mati.
it's no use being such a goody-two-shoe all the time because people are always bitching around ur backs, and it's normally those that are the friendliest mind you.
i used to hate, hates it now and i know will forever hate to, but eventually likes it or not, will join in this rat-race to get to the top.
without money, you will forever be looked down upon like ur some dirt, kena stepped and kicked around.

so i guess it's reali no use complaining that it's unfair because the world will never be fair when some people can be born into a bloody rich home and have great looks while some kids have to be born in third-world country like Africa, to not only suffer extreme hunger but may even be born with some unknown infant illnesses due to malnutrition.

arghs im friggin hungry and my parents are not home with my dinner yet.
tian ah~!

2007-02-24T02:51:00.000+08:00

do you know xu weilun's tragedy is still bothering me till now?
i reali dunno why i haven reali gotten over it..
especially when it doesnt affect me one bit..
during the cny period, i keep thinking what a sad new year xu weilun's family is having now..
will they still have the mood to go 拜年?
den when i see her good frens, like ariel lin, rainie yang and joe chang, on TV, joking around and entertaining the audience, i cant help but think shudnt they still feel sad that someone so important will never be around again?

so i was thinking, thinking and thinking and this reali interesting thought came to my mind.
it explains why i keep feeling troubled by the incident.
and the thing is im guilty. YES guilty.
guilty of continuing to live.
gulty of enjoying the essence of life itself.
guilty of still being able to breathe, eat, sleep, shit..
it's all very unfair for her and all too fair for me.
she's still so young and so full of potential, so talented and full of energy.
she's about to record her first album and is acting in a new drama.
she has so much hopes towards the future and it's all destroyed by a bloody accident.
thats why im guilty because she deserve to live. She deserve SO MUCH MORE to live den i do..
she could bring so much more benefits to this society, bring so much more happiness to the people around her..
yet im totally useless..
how unfair for her..

haix.
i goin slp liaos.
bbye.

2007-02-22T00:22:00.001+08:00

60th post anniversary! lol..bo liao..
as you all know it's the chinese new year period and there's only 3 things we do when we go visit relatives:

1. take ang pow

2. gamble

3. EAT

and after snacking on so many new year goodies for 4 days in a row, i've started to...

change......

conform.......

evolve.........

and TADA~! thats how i look now! (check out those big ears! hahaha.woot!)

我只想要往前飞, 能飞多远也无所谓

我讨厌在这里徘徊, 我厌倦我流眼泪

2007-02-18T04:55:00.000+08:00

shou3 sui4 in progress..
and i need to keep myself awake!
so i have decided to blog about this 2 horrible young ladies i met yesterday.

i went to some place to exchange my ps2 game with shirmain, and i was on the way home and i saw these 2 young ladies of about pri6.
as peiwen would understand, the path home from the usual bus stop is reali narrow and is actually more meant for 1 person to walk.
normally a bicycle passing through would indefinitely annoy people walking along that path. AND THEN that 2 little brat was actually playing along that path and taking emo-oh-im-looking-so-depressed-while-walking-home pictures of each other.
it was very infuriating seeing them act so childishly but nontheless being the coward as i am i will never even dream of scolding them.

then this auntie who's carrying lots of stuff passed through and seems to be in a hurry. so, she :"shooed" the 2 brats and guess what one of them scold back?
"FUCK YOU LAH!" (no prize for guessing that correctly)
and i gave the "wtf" face but still carried on walking.

oh man i dunno why i didnt give them a piece of my mind!
arghs..i want to become fierce!!
must be cos my voice too high?
i dunno but i have probem being fierce and firm.
those 2 little brats deserve a scolding. (i wished mdm elephant was there!)
hehs.i hope i dont ever meet ppl lidat.
good thing they are still pri sch kids lah..

alrights anyways wish 大家新年快乐！
最重要是身体健康，每天过得开开心心！

好想永远地睡下去

2007-02-16T00:45:00.000+08:00

tak glam.

glam

tak glam

glam
tak glam

tak glam (i think i look horny?)

erm tak glam...(im so supposed to look like a serial killer but the towel is totally crippin' my style man! hahah.lol.)

alrights dont ask me why but i just felt like uploading photos.
today marks the end of my exams for semester 2 (cue: claps and hoorays) and I AM SO RELIEVED! overall i guess i did ok? oh whatever, holidays here i come! HAHAHA.
anyways after the paper today, i went for some course briefing and guess what?
i got to freaking clock in 40hrs of work again! zombwtfbbqlolomgtianah!

den i went cine to sing kbox and it's so damn cheap..hahaha.
we sang from around 2-7pm for only 10bucks..wahaha i can so imagine peiwen's "wtf!" face.LOLL.
and it was reali reali shiok singing with kenneth, kosin and shirin :D
esp when we sang 1st DAY by Mayday..we were literally screaming..
but at the back we were all quite shagged le and became only me singing! wahaha i value for money siax.think i keep hogging the mic.....sorry =P
okay den shirin left and we went to buy some stuff before heading home. (and i left my ring in the toilet in Heerens..zzzzzzzzz..okay lucky not gf give de so no sentimental values lah.)

oh yah, THANK YOU ADELINE PANDA FOR GIVING ME THE V-DAY CARD~!!
yupps it looks reali neat and of cos is not love love kind lah.
but it's reali nicee of her eh? haha.dunno she got read my blog de ma.
hur hur good karma for her.
anyways i dont think i received V-day card before................have i?
aiya actually no need think also know dont have cos i think my appeal to girls is: -7593748%.
HAHA.
我的第一次献给熊猫了！*害羞*
overall V-day was spent stressing over CIP paper, cramming for FnB and of cos pizza hut lunch at BTP with shirin, kosin and kenneth.hoho they're my valentine.

hmms.been thinking of quite alot of silly stuff.
and some song lyrics always stuck in my mind.

不想爱你或爱他
我只想做自己
只想为了自己
多呼吸一点
--做自己，同恩
yupps thats how i feel nowadays.
maybe i should stop being so afraid of being myself,
maybe i should stop always trying to give in to others,
maybe i should stop caring how others see me.
i dunno why, but many times i feel like im suffocating.
stuck with the sterotype people give me or how they perceived me to be.
always living up to people's expectations and a need to prove myself to be more than who i reali am.
so sick of it.
so maybe i should start living for myself, and not others.

我有在想。。人啊，最好是不要“太习惯”
太习惯某个人一直会在。
太习惯某个人永远会帮你解危。
太习惯某个人会有无限量的能耐听你诉苦。
太习惯某个人会不管发生什么事都逗你开心。
太习惯某个人无论误解在大都相信你。
太习惯一件你常做的事。
因为真的。有一天，那些东西都将消失。
不想太依赖于某人某事，而虽然这样不将比从前好过或快乐些，
但至少当那些东西不见时，我也不会那么那么伤心。
我不要承担失去的痛，不是因为怕，而是很清楚地知道自己根本就无法忍耐那么巨大的痛苦。

Listen,
I am alone at a crossroads
I'm not at home, in my own home
And I tried and tried
To say whats on my mind
You should have known
Oh,
Now I'm done believin you
You don't know what I'm feelin
I'm more than what, you made of me
I followed the voice
you gave to me
But now I gotta find, my own..
-- Listen by Beyonce

kinda cliche, but i find it very inspiring.
sometimes i feel that everything seems to be failing and no one's there to help me.
or im not sure of the path ahead.
i learnt that it is reali important to just have faith, lots and lots of faith, in yourself that things will eventually work out.
do not even allow yourself a single thought of failing and keep moving, and keep moving.

OKAY im talking rubbish.
shall go slp soon.
bbye.

2007-02-10T13:49:00.000+08:00

my lappie had been down due to the stupid virus..
so i have to reformat and download all the softwares i need.
very sian but i better get them over and done with since my exam week is gonna start..
haix finally my turn eh? hahah.been seeing lots of frens go for exams le..
hmms..i've been studying lah..but i dont think alot went in?
oh mans..cos i kinda screwed all my projects (except my fabm project! lucky siax since i failed my individual report) so i reali gotta score like damn well to get at most a B..
alrights shall not think so much..

been having down-right weirdo, freaky, bozonut dreams.
like the day before i dreamt of zhihui and me running away from bad guys aka in Mission Impossible..hahaha..and then we opened a hairdressing salon? den...the bad guys came again den we had to run away again..LOL.stupid ppl have stupid dreams..
oh den yest i dreamt of me meeting kenneth, kosin and shirin to go out again..den i keep feeling restless throughout the whole outing..den when we were going home, we alighted at the wrong stops..
den at the bishan mrt station, the train like crashed out of the railways tracks and many people was helping to push the train back into place? and i remembered they looked like ants..
HAHAHAHA.my dreams are just nonsensical.

Anna Nicole Smith died i think 2 days ago at the age of 39.
whats strange is that her son died in his sleep a few months back.
she's a former playboy model of the year i think.
hmms..i mean whatsup man..been reading news and all i read are celebrities dying.
i also came across new that a korean artiste, Unee(?), and another japanese news broadcaster both committed suicide.
must reali learn to cherish the people around you eh? especially the older generation who are more prone to illnesses..dunno when death will come knocking on your door..i reali cant imagine waking up one day and realised that even one of my close family members or frens are gone.

ok i think my entry damn nonsense, like im rambling to myself lidat..
maybe cos my mind is full of the exams stuff >.<
hahaha.in any case dont think will update till my last paper finish on the 15th feb.
sian~! but i cannot give up.
so close to finishing up my sem2, chiong ah!

不想习惯了，
不习惯了。

2007-02-04T16:12:00.000+08:00

ROAR! i've been pestered by weird dreams and nightmares the past few days.

and last night i jux couldnt sleep..maybe cos play audition too shiok?

hahaha.anyhow, NPC is reali a great way to earn money.

but i think i hai the group lose to the stupid computer many times? cos i too noob liaos.

and even though i fell aslp at 4am, i still gotta wake up at 9am to clean the house!

walau almost buanged while cleaning my place (yes it's called place cos i dont have a room),

and i fought with the dust and ants for many hours..lol.

and my place is so clean now! hee hee..can concentrate on studying liaos..

and i "dug" up some stuff that brings back memories.

wahaha."I Am A Young Ornithologist!", now now who knows what ornithologist means? lol dont be lazy go dictionary.com to check. OH and i found a photo of peiwen inside the DQPS 18th Anniversary booklet..ppl prefect de ma..big leh..wear the tie so liao bu qi..hahahahah..to think i can still recognize her..

woohoos~ finally bought this to store my stuff.BUT the thing is, when i first saw this label, i thought chuwuxiang is the brand! so i was thinking chinese name shud be what......when i realised it's the hanyupinyin of 储物箱...whatever happened to "storage box" man..

lol damn random but i dont remember having this stuff toy! hahaha..he mux be very sad i forgot him le..but i only like it cos it's wearing the tee-ger costume..lol..

den was blog hopping and i realised their blogs are so much nicer to read den mine.

theirs are filled with hopes and dreams and nicee things they have done or even dtermination to overcome their problems, while mine is always so pessimistic..tsktsktsk..

den the reader read le also sian! hahaha..

alrights LESSER EMO POSTS!

aiya i cant wait for my exams to be over!

this hols mux play till shuang ah...heh heh..

but main thing is to find a job and prac saxophone EVERYDAY!!

im prepared to face scales and interval studies and tone studies and brush up my techniques
i need to know more den jux concert Bb, Eb and D scales!

this time pnc still not enough player siax..weishu attachment..tsk he mux have gone find soo hui le..haha opps..talking behind my senior's back..

lol.aahhhh hope mr tan dont find me too lousy..haix..

okie gtg bbye!

那天你和我那个山丘

那样的唱着那一年的歌

那样的回忆那么足够

足够我天天都品尝着寂寞..

2007-02-03T02:11:00.000+08:00

dont you hate me?
arghs..im reali sick of myself..
every single inch of myself..
my face, my actions, me, everything..
and you made me hate myself more..
im always so troublesome, so irritating..
nobody would like to me stay near me..
AAAHHHHHHHHH............